The Ten People You Meet In Airplanes

After logging more frequent flier miles than I care to admit, I’ve come to realize that while every person in an airport may be an individual, there are certain herd-type characteristics that I seem to run into over and over and over.

Here, in no particular order, are the Ten People You Meet In Airplanes:

1) The Alphabetically Challenged – The confused look on this character’s face as he wanders down the aisle gives him away every time. There is no doubt about the outcome, this winner is going to end up sitting in the WRONG SEAT. It’s easy to understand how he is confused, because for some reason, at least on airplanes, C always comes after F and before B. It’s hard to keep all those letters straight!

2) Proud Mamma – Another instantly recognizable airport dweller. She usually has a stroller made by Hummer, and that stroller is populated by at least one runny-nosed brat with a ton of Noise Toys. When Mamma and her little snot factory finally get to their seats and strap in, Junior will start singing the Alphabet Song at top volume, over and over and over, to his adoring Mamma’s delight. Helpful for the Alphabetically Challenged, but painful for the rest of the passengers.

3) The Salesman – With at least one snazzy and stylish earpiece sticking out of his ear, this guy wants everyone to know exactly how awesomely awesome he is. He talks so loud there is no way that anyone within a two mile radius can’t hear him. It’s always fascinating to hear exactly how many Tapered Douche Nozzles that Mr. Freddy Fartknuckle sold this quarter. This guy makes me wish I had earlids.

4) The Befuddled Fencepost – This anti-multitasker is good for one thing, and one thing only; creating traffic jams. As soon as the plane starts boarding, this boob will get as close to the boarding door as possible and stop, content to let his small brain ruminate on its single thought: “If this is Group One boarding, that means I am just seven groups from getting on the plane. If I gotta stand sumwhere, it might as well be here in the middle of everything!” This is the same guy that, after standing in every single passengers way, will get on the plane dead last and be forced to stuff his jumbo steamer trunk in the overhead twenty rows behind his seat. As soon as the plane lands, he’ll jump up, rush back to his bag, then force his way through everyone to get back where he started from, mumbling something about ‘catching a connecting flight.’ At the top of the jetway, there he’ll be, staring at the connecting flights board with that same confused look on his face as passengers once again stream around him.

5) The Sneak – Closely related to the Fencepost, this guy is the one that feels that boarding groups don’t apply to him. When the first zone is called, no matter what group he is actually in, he’ll make no eye contact, just drops his shoulder and barge past everyone to be the first on the plane. Guess what, highspeed… There is no prize for being first to board! The airlines cut those out years ago to save money, right before they cut out pillows and flushing toilets. If the gate agent calls him out on his ruse, The Sneak will get very indignant, and in a squeaky, pissy voice inform the agent that ‘He’ll NEVER fly this airline AGAIN!” If only. This guy used to be the kid that was always picked last for the kickball team.

6) El Grande Gigante – There is no way to miss his sweating mass as he lumbers down the aisle. His enormous belly rubs against BOTH aisle seats (C and D for the Alphabetically Challenged) as he waddles his way to the back of the plane. And though I struggle to not make any eye contact in the hopes he will spontaneously combust into the world’s biggest grease fire, there is no doubt where this mass of humanity will end up sitting. Next to me. Before takeoff, he’ll whip out his own custom monogrammed seatbelt extension. Then, as I am forced to use his massively greasy folds of blubber as an armrest, I’ll be treated to the spectacle of his bi-hourly feeding ritual; handful after handful of Crisco shoved in his gaping foodhole while quaffing a Coke Zero. Murphy’s Law of Averages being what it is, this lardass will also be my seatmate on my connecting flight.

7) Hot Redhead On Her Way To Nymphos Anonymous Rehab – She never sits next to me.

8 ) First Class Ass – This dickhead honestly believes Frequent Flier miles are currency, and mere mortals should be impressed at his vast portfolio. Has no problem boldly shouldering his way past those same mere mortals in line, because after all, he will be SITTING IN FIRST CLASS! It’s always a pleasure to watch his face as I, a mere mortal, sit down next to him.

9) The Spatially Challenged Spaz – Somehow, she manages to sneak four overstuffed bags into the plane, then can’t understand why her ten pounds of shit doesn’t fit in the five pound overhead. Frequently, she has one of those little football dogs packed in one of those bags. By the way, those dogs are called football dogs because all they are good for is kicking field goals.

10) I have only heard rumors of the tenth person you meet in an airplane. This guy is the unsung hero, a figure of folk legend, the champion of veteran road warriors the world over. There have been days where airline incompetence and attitude has pushed me close to emulating him, though I lack the boules en laiton . His name is Gerard Finneran; the man who, way back in 1995 made a bold statement, and left his own brown mark of freedom on  the first class drink cart.

While I don’t necessarily agree with G-Finn’s actions, I certainly do understand.