Hi,

Frenchy here, intrepid correspondent for this little blog. Remember me? I didn’t think so. I used to write silly rants and ride reports and such all the time. But lately, as the few remaining members of the faithful fifteen have pointed out over and over, the torrent of drivel has turned into a dribble.

Why?

Who the hell knows. Certainly not me… The summer seems to have slipped by, with only a few adventures to show for it. It’s been a full summer, for certain, but… just not a blogworthy one I guess.

In an effort to turn the flood back on, in an attempt to make things blogworthy again, I’m taking a little ride with Sleeping Beauty and Jessica today. Nothing major, just a couple hundred miles of twists and turns to see if I can’t dislodge the writer’s block that is implanted firmly in my cranium. Hopefully this little ride will do the trick.

And if it doesn’t work, at least I’ll be riding all day with two hot chicks!

If anyone’s left on this seemingly dead blog, you can track our little ride here:

SPOT tracker link

My last post asked for help and/or advice from any of the Faithful Fifteen with starting a new website. It took a few days, but finally I had a helpful hint in my inbox.

Here is it verbatim:

如果您無法檢視或提交此表單，請在線上填寫：

http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dFc3LXNfeDNWNXNJUmFvTlpidlNqVlE6MA..

纖體公司失敗者

你是否被各大纖體公司所欺騙？

用了大量金錢但得不到期望的結果？

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感受健康減肥的新感覺！

大量職業運動員都使用這產品及成為代言人，證明安全有效，

而且沒有任何藥物成份！而且萬人迷 ( 碧咸 ) 也使用的營養產品。

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如欲索取詳情或查詢 ，請致電 Sophia 陳小姐 9780 7212 ！

電郵查詢 : sophia11070@yahoo.com.hk

MSN 查詢 :

此『推廣計劃』宣傳是受香港版權法約束, 請勿隨意刪除及更改內容, 謝謝!

閣下不想再接受本公司的電郵廣告請回覆此電郵以便公司取消閣下之電郵地址

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9780 7212 Sophia 陳小姐

All rights reserved for this promotion.

Please don’t delete or change the content. Thanks.

** 請填上資料，以便聯絡 閣下 !!

聯絡電話 *

聯絡時間 * [10 am ~ 2 pm \/]

Thanks!

Blogger.com sucks.

Yes, I know, the key to happiness is low expectations, therefore, I should be happy with the low quality of Blogger. And for the most part, up until, oh… say, two years ago, I have been moderately happy. Then, in a push to make things ‘better’ the Bloggerati geek crew went and screwed up the way pictures are posted. Now, in order to post a picture in a blog, I have to shrink it down to nearly postage stamp size. Makes those painstakingly crafted photos (yeah… right…) blurry and hard to make out.

And there are other issues with Blogger, but whatever… it doesn’t matter. (Yes, Blogger.com has received an ubiquitous GFY award, even emailed it to Blogger.com headquarters. Didn’t help one bit. They still suck. Didn’t get me kicked off either, but it didn’t help.)

In the past two years, I have increased my daily readership so that now when I say there is a Faithful Fifteen following, it’s not technically a lie anymore. On any given day, an average of fifteen honest-to-goodness insomniacs stumble onto the Rant to get their fill of yawn-inspiring drivel.

And to think it only took me four years and five hundred ninety posts to accumulate this following! Thanks to all of you that have made this monumental achievement possible!

Well, Faithful Fifteen, I’ve been trying now for about two months to get a divorce from Blogger. There are blogs out there, real ones by real bloggers that, quite frankly, are good. Both good as in ‘with real content‘ and ‘with a layout that doesn’t blow.’ Now that I have officially passed the almost insurmountable fifteen reader a day hurdle, I want to have one of those blogs with a layout that doesn’t blow too.

Fear not, Faithful ones. Except for my planned use of a spellchecker, the content of the new blog will not be new and improved at all. Frenchysrant.com, if and when it ever materializes, will still be of it’s same silly, mediocre quality. Wouldn’t want to upset the tangerine cart and lose any of the readers I worked so hard to get, now would I?

Knowing more about string theory than I do about website design, about two months ago I started calling and emailing real companies that do this kind of thing for a living, asking for help setting up a non-blowing blog site. Most never bothered to respond at all, and though a few did respond, saying they could absolutely help, they soon stopped responding too. Not one website design firm I contacted made it past that initial email exchange.

Who knew this seemingly simple process would be so difficult?

So, with all that said, I’ll throw it out there to all fifteen of you. I am currently looking for a website designer to help Frenchy’s Rant relocate. My requirements are pretty simple; put together a WordPress-based blog site that showcases my crappy pictures and crappy writing in an easy-to-navigate, non-crappy, non-sucky way. If anyone knows of a person or company that knows how to do this kind of thing, and also knows what the ‘Reply’ button does, drop me a line at frenchys-rant@att.net

Lately, life has been blazing by at a thousand miles an hour, just the way I like it. The way I see it, I’ll get plenty of rest when I’m dead, so why waste time doing nothing when I can be doing something fun instead?

Last week, for the first time in months, our calendar had nothing on it. Nothing at all. When I realized we had no plans, those blank calendar space started making me itchy. It wasn’t long before I had something in mind to fill up those empty days.

My scheme, which included both Sleeping Beauty and Rain Cloud Follows, was simple; ride north and camp. I knew it would be a hard sell. Last July, Sleeping Beauty and I took my FJR motorcycle to Kern Valley for a little camping and a little white water rafting. The trip was fun, but the ride up was so brutally hot we both were well cooked by the time we arrived. I distinctly remember Fiona, who usually goes along with anything, calling me a ‘retard’ for making her endure the overwhelming heat.

Ah, the good ol’ days….

When I asked if she felt like taking a little ride up to Yosemite, she immediately said, “Don’t you remember how hot and miserable it was riding up near Bakersfield last year?”

I gave my standard answer. “Err… no?”

“Well, it was hot,” she replied without calling me that politically incorrect term again. “Too hot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for going,” she continued, “but why don’t we take the car instead?”

“Err…”

Take the… car? Hmm… Instead of riding, could we actually d.. d… drive somewhere and still have fun? I dunno about this. My wheels turned as I imagined the five hour trip trapped in a four door cage.

And then, she delivered the deal clincher. “It has air conditioning!”

I realized while we’d be trapped in that cage, we’d also be protected from the sweltering sun and inevitable rain; cool and comfortable, with the ability to simply twist a little knob and adjust the temperature. And, as I’ve so often been reminded, compromise is supposedly an important part to any relationship. Finally, with all the extra room in the Honda SM-AW (Soccer Mom-Adventure Wagon) we’d be able to bring along our entire collection of expensive camping crap, which is impossible to pack on Rain Cloud Follows.

The Soccer Mom-Adventure Wagon, Ready For Action!

Actually, her suggestion didn’t sound half bad to me, and with that it was decided. Driving to Yosemite it would be.

Last year, Fiona and I were shocked by the extremely high cost of entry into the sport of camping. A little room made of cloth supported by two aluminum poles cost more than a new exhaust for the FJR would. Two hi-tech sleeping bags, rated for weather much colder than I ever plan to sleep in, cost the same as five bottles of Macallan. Each!

Every other piece of gear designed to help us survive in the wild, from inflatable ground pads to the Jetboil gas stove with all its various cooking accessories… well… let’s just say by the time we got to the checkout, our cart contained enough expensive camping gear to fund a two week Edelweiss tour in the Alps.

At the register, we held our breath, maxed out the Visa, and became official members of Camping Nation. Broke members, yes, but at least we were proud owners of decent gear designed to survive the great outdoors.

Or, at least most of the gear. The other thing the newest members of Camping Nation found out – something they neglected to tell us at the checkout of the camping store -when going camping, there’s always just one more thing you need. That one more thing usually costs about $150. But that’s OK. I’ve always said I’d rather be lying on my deathbed drowning in debt than laying there full of tubes saying, “I should have…” or, “I wish I’d…” or, “If only I’d gotten to…” At the rate I’m going, drowning in debt is a very attainable goal, especially since nowadays credit cards aren’t the free money they once were.

Another hard won camping lesson I give you for free: If you want to camp somewhere popular, like Yosemite National Park, it’s best to make your reservation at least a decade in advance. Doing so will ensure you may get a tiny tent space in the park, usually near a dumpster, a family of screaming babies, or possibly, if you are really lucky, a broken, overflowing toilet.

Not being the annoying ‘plan-ahead’ types, it was immediately obvious that with the decade long waiting list for a site, Yosemite was out. Fiona came up with Plan B. I always like Plan B (or C or D) better, because those plans are much less predictable, and usually more fun. Instead of Yosemite, our home away from home would be Bass Lake, an excellent sounding place to spend a few days.

When the big day finally arrived, we loaded the Adventure Wagon full of all the usual junk: tent, bags, and chairs, and also brought some we could never fit on a motorcycle: full beer cooler, food, a camping microwave and inflatable satellite dish, just for starters. The thermometer read 107 outside, but sealed in the air conditioning, we cruised along I-5 at a cool, comfortable 68. Occasionally we’d give a knowing look to the poor bikers roaring past the Wagon, who were roasting in their gear. Poor bastards!

Ever accommodating, Sleeping Beauty decided to stay awake to keep me company as I drove. Thanks to our lack of helmets, she was able to offer me many, many helpful driving tips and suggestions on the five hour drive.

My Beautiful Co-pilot Sleeping Beauty

After a while, I have to admit I started to miss the solitude of my helmet.

We arrived at Bass Lake after dark, forcing us to build our tent by headlight. What camping crap we needed was set up, the rest was safely locked in the Adventure Wagon, and finally we were ready to settle in and start our camping adventure.

A hearty, fireside Macallan toast was drained to celebrate the traditional Best Day Ever.

Our hi-tech, hi-dollar sleeping bags are rated to work all the way down to 15 degrees. Perfect for summiting K2, but a bit of overkill for balmy 80 degree California nights. Thanks to these hi-tech bags, I provided Sleeping Beauty with some nice late night campsite comedy, dreaming all night that my legs were on fire.

The next morning dawned clear and still balmy. As the sun rose, a deer strolled through our site, happy to say good morning to a couple of obvious veterans of nature such as ourselves.

As the sun continued to rise, 50,000 curious bees also came out to see what we were doing. In a fit of brilliance, I decided to test my wilderness mettle, and provide for my woman by making wilderness breakfast, an idea which ranks right down there with the best of them.

I donned my ridiculous camping hat, fired up the Jetboil, and Chef Frenchy’s Campside Cafe was officially open for business.

Chef Frenchy’s Campsite Omelet Recipe:

1) Wear ridiculous camping hat, endure ensuing ridicule.

2) Cut stuff up, then heat that stuff up in frying pan. Add lots of butter, because butter makes everything better.

3) Swat any hungry bees that get too close.

Don’t worry, one or two bees in omelet mixture adds that special je ne sais quois outdoorsy omelet flavor.

4) Crack eggs, pour them in really hot Jetboil frying pan, burn fingers, cook eggs until they almost burn, dump cut-up heated-up stuff on one side of your egg circle, then fold omelet in half.

5) Most important of all, allow your ‘victim’ to eat first. Watch for signs of doubling over, running for the latrine, or projectile vomiting. If none of these symptoms occur, feel free to use remaining ingredients to make yourself an omelet.

Chef Frenchy’s Campsite Coffee Recipe:

1) Fire up Jetboil.

2) Fill cooking cup with water.

3) Dump five to six heaping tablespoons of fake… err… instant coffee into coffee cup.

4) Pour hot water over fake coffee ‘flavor crystals.’ (For really, really good coffee, make sure your instant coffee uses genuine meth in flavor crystals instead of the dreaded instant meth.)

5) Add milk to cut the horrid instant coffee taste. If it still tastes like something that would come out of a sick dog, top off with a wee splash of Macallan.

Warning: Chef Frenchy’s Amazing Breakfast has been known to endow certain people with superhuman strength.

Fiona, who hates a dirty tent, used her new found power to do a little house keeping.

Surviving breakfast, we realized stretching before us was an entire day to kill, and a beautiful lake nearby to kill it in. The drive up the day before, while pleasant and all that, left me with a pretty bad handlebar jones. We solved that jones by renting a jet ski.

A jet ski is almost all the fun of motorcycling, with none of the safety gear. Wipe out in the lake and the worst that happens is you get wet. I drove first, worried as I always am about Sleeping Beauty taking a snooze and falling off. I took it easy, gently working the thumb throttle to ease us out into the lake, gradually easing the machine faster, a little at a time. The loud ‘Whooop whooop!‘ coming from behind me told me Fiona was awake and having a good time.

Then, I let her drive.

While my biggest concern was her safety when I was driving, Fiona’s only concerns were ‘more throttle’ and ‘catching air.’ The ‘Whooop Whooooop!‘ now coming from in front of me became even louder as Sleeping Beauty transformed into Evel Knievel, jumping wave after wave, propelling our jet ski high in the air. Damage deposit be damned, this is FUN!

All too soon it was time to return our rental. Judging from the huge smile on Fiona’s face, this camping trip may have gotten a whole lot more expensive, because there may just be a jet ski in our future.

With the rest of the day left to kill, we retired to the shores of Bass Lake for some professional time killing.

Many Corona Lights Were Drained For The Making of This Picture

The Best Day Ever stretched into the night. I know it was the Best Day Ever. I even have a photo that proves it.

The next morning, Fiona enjoyed another amazing Chef Frenchy breakfast, using the same recipe as the day before.

Fueled and ready for more fun, we packed up our site, loaded the Adventure Wagon and headed into Yosemite National Park.

Even thought the SM-AW has two wheels too many for my taste, the benefit of being able to stop, jump out and snap a picture then quickly move on wasn’t lost on me in Yosemite.

Bridalveil Falls

Unnamed Waterfall – Yosemite

Dead Trees

Yosemite Roads

Sleeping Beauty took over driving duties for the day, allowing me to be a spectator in one of the most beautiful National Parks in the country. It was fun, even if she drives a bit fast.

Suddenly, somewhere on the Tioga Pass, we heard a tremendous clap of thunder, and though both Rain Cloud Follows and Stormbringer were both parked in garages hundreds of miles away, the rain started pouring down.

It wasn’t a long storm, but it rained pretty hard. Thanks to the Honda Soccer Mom-Adventure Wagon we stayed completely dry. What a laugh that was!

Our trip through the National Park over, we turned right at the end of the Tioga Pass, pointing the Adventure Wagon in the direction of home. But instead of driving straight home, we took the scenic route, by detouring to the June Lake Loop.

The detour was worth it.

Fiona enjoyed driving so much she wanted to drive all the way, which was fine by me. I took advantage of this rare opportunity to give her a little taste of her own medicine, instantly transforming myself into Sleeping Not-So Beauty, and snoring the rest of the way home.

As luck would have it, my return to the wacky world of WWE this week took place in Orlando. Furthering that streak of good luck, the rocket scientists at NASA had, with a hand full of well-intentioned tries in the past months, consistently failed to launch the Space Shuttle Endeavour. The next in a string of regularly scheduled launch attempts was the same day I arrived in Orlando. The final piece of good luck: Dark Meat Snack lives in Orlando, and was ready and willing to go watch a launch of STS 127 (a.k.a the SS TaxDrain.)

For a refreshing change, Delta pitched in and actually did their part; launching not one but a record two flights on time, all without a single mechanical problem, landing my dumb ass in Orlando with plenty of time to spare. After dodging a bunch of mouse-eared tourists on my way out of Orlando’s ‘Rookie Traveler’ International Airport, Dark Meat picked me up and we were on our way directly to Point Jetty, rumored to be a great place to watch a launch.

Hmm… a beach in Florida, bright sun shining in a crystal blue sky, on a pier with sight lines to the actual launch pad. Yep. I’d have to agree, Point Jetty is a fantastic place to watch a launch, among other things.

The view to the pad.

What else can I say? So far, it’s the Best. Day. Ever.

I should point out, as others had pointed out to me, Abi is considered to be the Human Shuttle Delay. In five attempts to witness a launch this year, Abi’s launch view record is zero and five. But, with all the good luck leading up to the launch, I felt fairly positive this day would be different. With everything that went right so far, what could possibly go wrong?

Recently, NASA decided to get hip, and now they Twitter. I followed NASA’s Twitters all day, waiting for that one stupid thing that would throw a wrench into the works. Sample Tweets from the NASA Twits included:

‘Fueling is underway. Space shuttle Endeavour is scheduled for lift-off at 7:13 p.m.‘

‘No indications of leaks, as in previous launch attempts. Fueling process is nearly complete for Endeavour.‘

‘Astronauts are being strapped in to the space shuttle. All is on target for a launch at 7:13 p.m.‘

And on and on it went, the string of ‘All Systems Go’ Tweets was so overly encouraging that I started getting a little nervous.

While sitting on the end of the pier, waiting and anticipating more nerdy NASA Twitters, I watched a few successful launches.

The Love Boat – Making Another Run

The Miss Cape Canaveral – Loaded With Anxious Potential Launch Viewers

Booze Cruise Sailboat

Watching these launches, my confidence level rose. If these companies (and drunken sailors) can successfully get underway, what could possibly go wrong on the other side of the harbor at Starfleet Command?

While roaming the pier, Dark Meat and I ran into Faithful Fifteen Rant readers Jason and Tina, also back to work in Orland for the WWE shows. We passed the time alternating between checking for new NASA Twit Tweets and watching the official NASA countdown clock on our iPhones.

What a bunch of nerds we are.

Helpfully, Tina pointed out a thick band of dark black clouds that suddenly appeared to be massing to our west. Fuck. I chose to ignore the clouds that would probably rain on my parade, and started thinking even more positive thoughts. With twenty-five minutes until T-Minus Zero arrived, the Tweets started sounding a little less positive:

‘No technical issues. Monitoring weather. Must be clear for 20 nautical miles of Shuttle Landing Facility for launch.’

Still upbeat, I saw what would turn out to be my last positive sign, a pelican flying overhead. If the weather was good enough for a pelican to fly, surely NASA, that brain trust think-tank chock full of really smart people could get a spaceship into orbit, right?

A Pelican Braves the Extreme Florida Weather.

Wrong.

With twelve minutes until launch, in a tersely worded statement, the death knell Tweet Twittered out from the NASA Twats:

‘SCRUB – no liftoff for space shuttle Endeavour today. Weather did not cooperate. Next try is Monday at 6:51 p.m.’

With that message, Dark Meat Jinx’s record dropped to zero and six, and I got plenty pissed off. I yelled across the harbor, “The last thing of any value the space program gave us was Velcro. Before that, the best you did was Tang! Losers! Get your shit together!”

OK, so… let me get this straight. The Space Shuttle is a craft designed to orbit the Earth and last in the harsh environs of outer space, right? This reusable space plane has tiles that shield is from the insanely intense heat of reentry. But, for some reason, this same hardy craft can’t launch if it’s cloudy out? Now, I’m no rocket scientist, but it seems to me that someone who IS a rocket scientist should have taken Florida’s more-or-less predictable clouds and crappy weather into account when they started this $170 billion dollar debacle of a program in the mis-named Sunshine State.

For that silly and blatantly obvious oversight, as well as for wasting a perfectly good chunk of my time and tax dollars, I feel I have no other choice than to dust off a piece of the distant past, and award the egghead knuckleheads over at NASA their very own, first of 2009 GFY award:

Congratulations, NASA on a hard earned, well deserved achievement.