We cross back into the greatest country on earth without an issue. Even my friend, El Coco Loco, The Tubby Terrorist I call Dark Meat Snack, is allowed in without incident.

With aplomb, we savor the grandeur that is Glacier National Park. The under construction ‘Going To The Sun Road’ is open, providing us with more mountain road gravel riding fun.

Along with this death defying balancing act, we witness an award winning wildlife performance. At another animal created traffic jam, we watch in awe as a magical unicorn and her baby unicornette defy gravity, effortlessly walking down an impossible looking cliff.

Then, in full view of thousands of tourists, in front of hundreds of cameras, the unicorn unceremoniously squats down and without a care in the world drops a massive, magical unicorn dump. Priceless!

Kalispel casts its spell on us that night. A late night Map-kin session indicates that the excellent Idaho Route 12 is between us and home, we set out the next morning with ambitious plans to conquer this road.

We reach Missoula at 1 PM for fuel, and a strange feeling of déjà vu comes over me. I see an Irish pub and a hotel, and realize that Dark Meat and I stayed in Missoula a year before on our failed attempt at conquering the Going To The Sun highway. In that very Irish pub the game of Tabasco-Guinness Shuffleboard was invented.

All of a sudden, the motivation to move is gone. We sit in the lot, staring at the pub. Everyone’s thinking it, but nobody says it. Finally, the contemplative silence is broken.

“You know…” Fiona starts off.

I continue her thought, “…we’ve got enough time to get home. We cooooulllld just….”

“… stop here…” adds Dark Meat.

“… and play Tabasco-Guinness Shuffleboard for the rest of the day!”

The rules are simple. First, a pint of Guinness® brand Irish stout is emptied. This is very important, the glass must be empty. Then, that empty pint is set up at the end of a long table. Two half-full bottles of Tabasco© brand pepper sauce are then set up at the opposite end of the table. Using the non-dominant hand, each contestant pushes the bottle toward the empty glass. The Tabasco© brand pepper sauce bottle that ends up closest to the Guinness® brand Irish stout glass without touching is deemed the winner. The loser pays for the round.

The Olympics of Tabasco-Guinness Shuffleboard commences, and the game lasts well into the night. The next morning, our will restored, we conquer the awesomeness that is Idaho’s Route 12.

Indicators that our ride is almost over start appearing, as evidence of civilization starts creeping back. In the last ten days, we’ve seen more bears than red lights. Somehow the people we’ve met have survived without strip malls, without Wal-Marts, but we start seeing those blights again. We run the first red light we see, just because we can.

Consulting the map, we delay the inevitable as long as possible, hiding from over-edification as much as we can. Our improvised route keeps us off the interstate, and we log a long, high mile, Wal-Mart free day.

The gas station town of Jordan Valley becomes our home for the night.

You know you’ve successfully dodged civilization when you have to rent a motel room from a gas station.

The road rolls on; the threat of The End Of The Ride looms larger and larger.

On our last day, we bob and weave, dodging the extreme heat of Death Valley. Eyeballs greedily soak up the remaining sights as that melancholy feeling falls over me once again. The gap between us and home decreases until finally we hit our turn signals for the last time, roll up our driveway, and for the last time on this ride, toast the Best Day, Best Ride, and Best Friends Ever!

Without missing a beat, Dark Meat Snack and Sleeping Beauty retire to the pool to cool down, while I take a moment for myself, both to reflect on the ride, and hide my sadness that is it over.

The Entire 6956 Mile Route

In my post-ride depression, I check my neglected email account for the first time in two weeks. One message, from a man I met every-so-briefly on April’s annual Road to Wrestlemania ride catches my eye.

Author: frenchy

One Response to “Alaskan Adventure – The End Of The Road”

1. Jasen Hicks says:

   January 17, 2013 at 9:16 AM

   Fred bumped this ride report to the top on fjrforum.com of which I’m a member now for a year and thus had missed it. I very much enjoyed every bit of it. Thanks for sharing your adventures and amazing writing with all of us.

   Reply