I’ve been a frequent flier for at least a decade now. In that decade, I have made some observations about the general types of people that travel. Here is my list:

The Business Douche:

This guy is always in a hurry and always on his cell phone. You can immediately spot the business douche by the retarded looking headset he has permanently attached to his ear. Usually he’ll have a huge suitcase that he’ll gladly roll right over your foot in an effort to get to his First Class Ass into his First Class Seat. His carry on luggage is normally so large that it won’t fit in the overhead, to which he’ll stop his cell phone conversation long enough to inform the flight attendant that “I can’t believe this, it ALWAYS fits!” The only good thing about sitting next to an idiot like this is as soon as he loses cell phone service, he immediately opens his laptop to work on a PowerPoint presentation, and won’t even acknowledge your presence.

Mommy and FrankenBaby:

Harried looking and tired, this poor woman looks terrified as her kid cries and screams and kicks throughout the entire flight. Playing Peek-A-Boo doesn’t help, giving the kid juice doesn’t help, so she resorts to playing a Barney DVD at top volume to entertain the little monster. If it’s a long flight, the kid will invariably fill a few diapers with incredibly stinky goo. Mommy, having taken leave of her senses long ago, will think nothing of changing little Junior’s shit filled diaper in the seat next to her. The only good thing about sitting next to this dynamic duo is once the flight lands, you’ll never have to see either of them again.

The Rookie:

This person has never left their home town before in their life. Two traits make Rookies easily identifiable. First, the mountain of luggage trailing behind them. And Second, they live under the fantasy that planes always leave and arrive exactly on time. A delay is something that the airline must be doing to them personally, because they HAVE TO GET TO THE BUFFET IN ORLANDO BY FOUR PM!! Many of them wear their plane tickets in a ridiculous looking holder around their neck. They’ll slam on their brakes while you walk behind them as they try to figure out if they are in line for security or for the bathroom. They will show their photo ID to anyone and everyone, even a janitor. Rookies will also try really hard to start a conversation, enlightening you with great detail exactly where they are going away to. The good thing about these people is one flight a year is a lot for them, so it’s rare to see them again. The bad thing is there are a LOT of rookies out there.

The Sist-ahs:

These wonderful people are usually a trio of Rookies, on their way to “Ant Maggie’s hawse” or Vegas. They usually reek of cheap perfume and/or alcohol. They’d love nothing more than to chain smoke the whole flight, and think five bucks for a beer is reasonable. They are loud and annoying, and almost invariably talk the whole flight, their raspy sandpaper-like voices ruining any chance for sleep. The good thing (for their sake) is that murder in the air is still a felony.

The Flight Simulator:

This idiot is a subset of all the other idiots. He knows exactly what the pilot is doing in the cockpit, and why. He’ll tell why and how and when the plane will turn, current altitude and speed predictions, and why we left the gate fifteen minutes late, though he’s never actually flown anything other than a paper airplane in his life. He knows the seat configuration of a Boeing 767-500 and how it difffers from the 400 series. The good thing about this guy…. well.. nothing really.

The Aromaniac:

This guy usually eats a half gallon of beans, eggs and drinks lots of warm milk, just to share with the whole plane what the insides of his intestines smell like. Easily recognizable by his snicker, he’ll sneak ’em out until someone nearly dies. He’s disappointed if he doesn’t get some kind of reaction from his efforts. The best thing about this guy is…. it’s FUNNY!!!! (Not that I know firsthand…..)

The Nymphomanic Stripper:

Doesn’t happen. Ever. Period. They must drive everywhere, because they sure don’t get on planes. So much for the friendly skies!

And finally…

Gigantic Girth-o-man:

This is the worst person to get stuck next to on a long flight. Not talking about a “big” person, or even a “pretty fat” person… I am talking about one of those freaks of nature you normally would only see on Jerry Springer. An obese mound of human flesh that not only spills over the armrest, but into your lap. This rotund lard pile should, by all rights, be forced to purchase two seats, or in extreme cases, an entire row. Sweaty, foul smelling and all around disgusting, there is nowhere for you to go once you are entombed in your eighteen inch seat. The best thing about this person is you could most likely feed him FrankenBaby, and possibly the Sist-ahs.

Author: frenchy