Enough bitching about the absurdity of air travel. Why should flying receive the majority of the complaints when there are so many other parts of traveling that are equally absurd?

Take hotels, for example. Sometimes a hotel is just a good, dry place to sleep, but other times, it’s a bastion o’ the absurd. For example, the very first rule of hotel construction should be that the front desk should be ON THE FIRST FLOOR. Sounds like a very minor complaint, but at four AM after a long day of televising sweaty fighting men in their underpants, the last thing in the world you want is to have to follow a treasure map to locate your room. If the front desk is on the first floor, you would be able to easily figure out where the guest rooms are.

On a related note, there is no good reason for a hotel to ever put room 341 on any other floor than three! Seriously, room numbers are meant to be in order. But some sneaky places will put room 301 directly across the hall from room 341, then hide all of them in the basement.

If, in a drunken stupor, you are lucky enough to find your room, it’s a crapshoot as to whether the room key card will work. I can’t even describe the joy of finding that elusive room, only to have that joy crushed by the evil blinking red light on the door. Slide-slide-slide goes the card, blink-blink-blink goes the red light. Then trudge back to the front desk, which has conveniently changed floors while you were off searching for your hidden treasure, to face a smug clerk who assures you that the key card MUST work, it’s probably just that you’re too stupid (or drunk) to understand the intricacy of room key card operation.

After threatening bodily harm to this asshole, you grab your newly issued card, and try to find that room again. Slide that card one more time, and VOILA! the door opens. If you are lucky, your room isn’t already occupied by a sleeping linebacker. Congratulations! You can lay down to try and get a few hours of rest.

But first, you have to clear the bed. For some reason, hotels love to absolutely cover their beds with pillows. Four, five or more pillows are not uncommon. What all these extraneous pillows are for is beyond all comprehension. I only have one head after all. The best use for extra pillows is turning off the lights, since those switches are hidden well. Pillows thrown at lamps are very effective at turning said lamps off.

There’s a one in four chance the temperature in your room will be comfortable. The other three conditions are Too Hot, Too Cold, and YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING! You can adjust the thermostat if you want, but it isn’t connected to anything. It’s just there to make you feel like you have some control. TO keep all that nasty fresh air safely outside your room, the windows have been permanently screwed closed.

God help you if you have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Most hotel bathrooms are cleverly disguised, some as closets, others as connecting room doors. If all else fails, rumor has it that pillows are pretty absorbent.

Then, when you’ve finally drifted off to sleep, the alarm clock, set to wake the previous night’s guest up at five AM will invariably start blaring. But don’t worry, the time on that clock is always wrong anyway.

Congratulations! Now, you’re late for work.

On the bright side, at least you get to do it all over again that night!

Author: frenchy