The jack-booted thugs at TSA are at it again. Yes, the Crayola sponsored terror threat color has been ratcheted all the way up to orange since those fucking douchebags got busted planning to blow up planes with liquids, gels and aerosols a few months ago.

So now, in addition to the security rainbow, we get another idiotic policy. 3-1-1. More stupidity to annoy frequent travelers in the name of making people feel ‘safe’ . Here is the TSA’s own definition of this brilliant policy:

3 –1–1 for carry-ons = 3 ounce bottle or less; 1 quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-top bag; 1 bag per passenger placed in screening bin. One-quart bag per person limits the total liquid volume each traveler can bring. 3 oz. container size is a security measure.

Even though that last line is a bit ambiguous, following this new and simple rule, there’s no doubt we’ll all be 100% safe in the skies.

This morning after checking in, I stood behind an kindly looking older woman in the security line. She sighed heavily as she removed her shoes, dropped her one quart plastic bag filled with liquids, gels and aerosols in the screening bin, trudged through the metal detector, then waited for her items. With a sigh, she confided to me that most of these new security procedures are, in her opinion, “really fuckin‘ stupid” – an opinion I happen to share.

The alert TSA agent must have overheard her, and decided to search her belongings. Turned out to be a good thing too, because this sly old lady was trying to beat the system.

The vigilant guardian of the skies discovered a 75 ml bottle of expensive looking perfume in her handbag. I saw a smile flicker over the face of the TSA agent as he informed the woman she wasn’t allowed to bring this banned item on board. Never mind that the bottle was only 1/3 full, containing much less than an ounce of actual perfume, she was told that ‘the amount of liquid doesn’t matter, it’s the size of the container’ that determines airworthiness. And besides, the illegal liquid wasn’t in the requisite 1 quart bag, breaking the 3-1-1 rule not once but TWICE. Scandalous!

The poor old woman started to get belligerent. She wasn’t going to give up her perfume without a fight. And the TSA security specialist wasn’t going to back down. I was afraid the terror rainbow threat color was going to elevate from orange to bright red, much like the woman’s face was. Finally some real entertainment in a normally boring security line.

A supervisor came over to assess the situation. She said that while 75ml is in fact LESS than 3 ounces, since the item in question wasn’t in a quart sized plastic bag, the 3-1-1 rule was nonetheless being broken.

After a ten minute standoff, a compromise was reached, to the relief of the ever lengthening line of frustrated travelers. The highly trained security agent walked back to the airline counter, got a quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-top bag, placed the woman’s perfume in it, then handed it to her. She promptly put the new quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-top bag in her purse, along with her OTHER quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-top bag, and walked away, shaking her head. Nobody on either side seemed to care that the third part of the 3-1-1 rule, the part about having only ONE bag per traveler, was still being broken, but at this point I guess it just didn’t matter.

After this whole fifteen minute ordeal, the rest of the line was allowed through, secure in the knowledge that TSA will do whatever it takes – no matter how insignificant and foolish – to ensure the safety of the flying public.

Author: frenchy