I travel. A lot (Have you figured that out yet?) I would say in the past eleven years, I have flown approximately fifty quintillion miles, had about four million flights delayed or cancelled, spent about ten unexpected nights in Atlanta due to rain or snow or ice or another act of God, and lost my luggage about five times (though it always comes home, eventually)

Well, I had a rare ‘travel first’ today. I was on my way to mix a college football game for ESPN, in, I am not making this up, Starkville, Mississippi. Yikes! How bad can it be if the founding fathers settled on ‘Starkville’ as the town name? Ah well, gotta take the bad with the good, I guess.

Due to other travel issues, I had to fly out of Boston. I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to find the airport. There was a time when the route changed almost daily, sometimes twice in one day. Once, I picked up a rental car and was asked by the agent if I knew how to get from the parking lot to the highway. I confessed that I didn’t. She replied, “That’s OK, I don’t know either. They changed it since I got here this morning.” This was when they were working on the ‘Big Dig’ which, relieved the insane traffic around Boston, at the same time relieving Massachusetts taxpayers of countless billions. I am sure Delta had a stake in it.

The new tunnels under Boston, when they aren’t leaking, are surprisingly easy to navigate. I arrived at a parking garage, where for the exorbitant amount of $22 a day, they will let me park. No oil change, detailing or paint job, mind you, just a place between two painted lines that I probably won’t be able to find when I return.

Anyway, the check in procedure was simple and painless, and I arrived at the gate with time to spare. I started reading “So You Wanna Be A Rock & Roll Star” by Jacob Slitcher, which so far is excellent. I noticed two Massachusetts State Troopers standing near the gate, but didn’t pay much attention.

As a reward for my “loyalty”, Delta will put me in First Class sometimes. First Class to me is meaningless and silly, but to most “business travelers” it is considered a sacred right. The main reason I enjoy it, aside from the free beer, is the occasional disapproving stares that I receive from the suit and tie wearing executive douche-bags. That is when they bother to look up from their cell phone or Blackberry at all as I sit next to them in the “Big Chair” in my Harley baseball cap and T-shirt.

I took my assigned seat, 4C, and settled in. I noticed a “suit” in the bulkhead row right behind me (in SECOND CLASS!! HA HA!!!!) glaring and scowling at me, clearly upset that somehow I ended up in Nirvana where felt he rightfully belonged.

The plane filled, and soon the people in the seats in front of me sat down. One of them, a skinny black fellow in a white T-shirt and corn-row braids dropped his cell phone right on my head. Not only did he not apologize, he didn’t even look at me. What a dick! I quickly kicked it to the back of the plane and punched him twice in the head before he knew what happened. No, I didn’t, though I imagined it, then I imagined looking back at Mr. Second-Class and saying, “You wanna be next, motherfucker??”

Anyway, after this excitement was over, I quickly became absorbed in my excellent book. I was startled to look up and see four gigantic Mass State Troopers in the aisle. I wondered where they might be going dressed in full uniform, including guns. Then, I realized they were surrounding my rude neighbors. Hmm, this is a new one to me… How exciting!

“Which one of you is Tyrone Lewis and which one is Jermaine Jackson (or whatever their names were) C’mon fellahs, who’s who?”

Then…

“Get up! You’re undah arrest! Keep youh hands wheh I can see ‘em!”

What the?!?

The officers grabbed the two offenders, cuffed them, then asked, “Do you have any luggage on heah?”

The corn-rowed, phone dropping arrestee nodded at the overhead bin where his (and my) bag was. The big officer grabbed both bags. My seatmate looked horrified at the entire proceedings, while I looked at Officer Gigantic, unsure if I should say something, or just let him take my bag too.

He noticed my worried look and said, “Is this youh’s? Sorry.” He smiled, then returned it to the overhead. As the police left with the two criminals, Gigantic turned around and said, “Don’t worry, these two are just wanted for writing 1.2 million dollahs worth of bad checks.” All of first class applauded the police as they left.

Wow. What a couple of idiots. Perfect! I wondered if they had a hand in the Big Dig, then I wondered if they had paid for their first class seats by check. Delta is a bankrupt airline, after all. Anyway, I thanked the officer not only for putting my bag back, but telling us why they were being arrested, so we wouldn’t have to speculate for the rest of the long flight.

And, yes, to my immense satisfaction, Mr. Second-Class was NOT upgraded into the newly vacant seats!

Obviously there IS justice in the world!

Author: frenchy