“Please take out all liquids, gels, aerosols and pastes, place them in a Ziploc bag, and put them in the bin separately,” the automated TSA robot droned at us early morning travelers. 4:45 AM is without a doubt my favorite time of day to fill my Stupid Quota, and the TSA never lets me down.

The rookie traveler in front of me asks, “Toothpaste OK?”

“No, toothpaste is part of this.” Without even looking up, the TSA drone mindlessly continues, “Put all liquids, gels, aerosols and pastes in a Ziploc bag, and place them in a bin.”

From someplace at the back of the line a gruff voice asks, “Wha’ ’bout whiskey? Is whiskey OK?” I turn around and realize the guy, completely dressed in white except for his sunglasses, is actually serious.

“No. Whiskey is a liquid. You can’t take more than three ounces of liquid on board.”

I think to myself, is this a rule change? I didn’t realize we could bring our own liquor with us, provided it was in a Ziploc bag. I need to stock up on Ziplocs!

Waving his brand new, unopened bottle of cheap whiskey at the agent, The Snowman demands, “Well, what I’m gonna do wit dis den?”

With a shrug, the agent says, “You can’t take it with you sir.” Thinking she’s finished with this exchange, her popular refrain continues, “All liquids, gels, aerosols and pastes must go in a Ziploc bag, then place the bag in the bin.”

But the guy wasn’t done.

“Yo! You tellin’ I really can’t bring dis wit me? OK. Das fine.” He then proceeds to open the brand new bottle of whiskey, takes a long, deep chug from the bottle, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, screws the cap back on and hands the bottle to the now flustered agent, saying, “Dere you go. Make yo day betta wit dis, honey!”

My Stupid Quota has been filled for the week, and it’s only Monday!

Author: frenchy