I recently had the pleasure of borrowing a Hertz rental car, and while waiting for Hertz Agent Duddly DumbKnuckle to figure out exactly how his computer worked, I had some time, well plenty of time actually, to read the fine print of the Hertz Rental Agreement.

It’s a pretty one sided agreement, really. Basically you promise to obey a bunch of ridiculous restrictions for the privilege of renting a Chrysler Crapulence, while Hertz promises to come after you with a team of high powered attorneys if you break any one of the hundreds of conditions they place on you.

For instance, you are in breach of contract if you ‘use or permit the use of your car by anyone:’

1) While legally intoxicated or under the influence of alcohol, drugs or – get this – ‘other absorbed elements’ (no paint huffing, no nicotine patches) which may adversely affect a person’s ability to drive.

2) For any purpose that could properly be charged as a crime. (No bank robbing, no using your rental as a getaway car.)

3) To tow or push anything.

4) In a speed test, speed contest, race, rally, speed endurance contest or demonstration. (No stunting, no demolition derbies, doesn’t say anything about jumping the Grand Canyon though….)

5) In driver training activity. (No teaching your paint huffing, bank robbing, racecar driving twelve year old how to tow or push things in this car.)

6) To carry persons or property for hire. (Don’t transport whores to work, yo.)

7) To carry hazardous materials, explosives, biologically active materials, or radioactive material. (Terrorists, rent from Avis, OK?)

8) For rentals in Hawaii, take or attempt to take the car off the island of Hawaii. (Don’t try to drive from Maui drive back to California, stupid.)

And finally, to pretty much cover everything else:

9) Engage in any willful or wanton misconduct which, among other things may include reckless conduct such as: the failure to use seatbelts (you wanton, reckless rebel!) use when overloaded (see rule number 1, don’t get too loaded.) leaving the car and failing to remove the keys, or failing to close and lock all doors and windows.

In other words, don’t even THINK of having ANY fun in this car whatsoever. Failure to comply with even one of these conditions will constitute a violation of this ‘agreement’ and Hertz lawyers will hit you with large sticks until you are a bloody pulp, then kick you in the nuts and take your house and your kid’s college funds to replace the Ford Fecundus you rented for $29 a day.

Also, the Personal Effects coverage – the bullshit charge that effectively triples the cost of your $29 a day rental – doesn’t cover such ‘personal effects’ as:

Animals, Automobiles (?) Automobile Equipment, Motorcycles (Communists! If I want to put my motorcycle in the truck of my Suzuki Shitera, that’s MY business! It should be fully covered!) Boats, Motors or Other Conveyances, Household Furniture (can you tell by now that the Hertz legal team must have gotten their hands on some really killer shit to smoke while writing this?) Contact Lenses, Artificial Teeth and Limbs (keep your fake arms attached, please) currency, coins (those pennies in the ashtray are OURS!) Deeds, Bullion (no soup for you!) Stamps, Securities, Tickets, Documents, and finally… Perishables. (Don’t leave your dear, dead Granny in the trunk.)

Any loss or damage to personal effects caused by mysterious disappearance or use of the vehicle in violation of above agreement is no covered. Furthermore, benefits are not payable for delay, loss of market, indirect or consequential losses or damages of any kind.

Well, that pretty much covers it. At Hertz, they try harder – to cover their asses.

Author: frenchy

One Response to “Hertz Tries Harder”

1. Scott says:

   October 29, 2007 at 5:58 PM

   OK, that’s some funny shit right there.

   Reply