I recently found a bunch of little stories I jotted down from the “good ol’ days” in television. Even eleven years ago I was collecting material for a blog and eventual book.

The Beginning

My first job in television was as a utility for the Celtics season. My duty was to coil a cable behind Dick Garrett, one of the handheld camera men on the court. What glamour! Dick and I became friendly with a season ticket holder that sat right behind us, a nice older gentleman named Bob. Bob used to buy Dick and me a soda during each game. One day Dick wasn’t at the game. Bob came up to me and demanded “Hey, where’s my Dick??”

Close Call

Leaving Providence for Phoenix on American Airlines all seemed routine. I was conveniently settled in right next to the engine for the long flight. The plane accelerated on the runway, suddeny I heard the reverse thrusters, as if we were landing. What the?!? We slowed dramatically, and I bolted upright. The pilot came on and announced, “Folks, when we got up to 100 mph, we got a tire warning light. One tire was not rotating, so I decided to abort the takeoff. We’re now going to try to taxi back to the gate.” In approximately five billion flights, I had never experienced an aborted takeoff, and I imagine it is a frightening thing for a pilot. I bet it would be even more frightening trying to land with a frozen wheel. The whole plane was grumbling about being late and missing connections when we walked off. I went up to the captain and simply said, “Hey man, thanks for stopping this thing.” He replied, “No sweat”, but I noticed that he was sweating.

Zombified in 1998

Before taking off for Los Angeles on a US Air flight, the pilot announced that due to strong headwinds, we would have to stop in Kansas City to take on more fuel. Obviously this was going to make us late, and the zombies were grumbling. One guy was more upset than the rest and was loudly bitching about how this stop was going to ruin his plans. This absurdity continued for about ten minutes. Finally, someone behind him spoke up and said “Hey ASSHOLE, there isn’t enough fuel to get there, and you know what happens to these things when they run out of gas in the sky, right? They CRASH! Now, would you rather they DIDN’T stop?” The plane applauded me for that one.

Multitasking

On a Beechcraft twin prop, the pilot made the following announcement: “Folks, there’s drinks in the cooler in the closet… I’d serve them to you, but I’m a little busy up here flying this plane.”

You’re Fired!

An airplane banner flying around above the Memphis Motorsports Park read simply: “Screw The Boss!”

Boooooring!

An interview I did was so long and boring that I nodded off while it was going on. The producer nudged me and said, “Are you SLEEPING?” Thinking fast, I replied, “No… I like to close my eyes to concentrate on the sound recording without distraction.” She said, “And your snoring doesn’t distract you?”

Power of a Nickname #1

Most people working in television have a nick name. I received mine in a bar in Painted Post, New York in 1996. Bobby Coles, an audio mixer from California and I were in a bar quite late one night, when he realized that he didn’t know my last name. I told him it was Lanciaux, which he thought was a hilariously ridiculous name. (Probably just the booze talking, I mean, it sounds EXACTLY like it is spelled…) He asked if it was French, which it is. He said, “I will call you Frenchy.” Somehow, the next day everyone called me Frenchy, and it has stuck ever since. I often wish there was a better story to this nickname, as this one almost never fails to disappoint.

Power of a Nickname #2

I was crewed to mix a hockey game for the Canadians. The director found out my nickname, and said, “Ooohhh, Frenchy, eh? Do you speak French?” Actually, I don’t, and told him so. He looked down his nose at me and after a pause said with disgust, “Your nickname, eeet eeees veery stoopid.”

Power of a Nickname #3

Then I got a phone call from a French producer looking for a French audio guy. He had only my nickname to go on. Had to disappoint him too. I probably should learn to speak French someday. (And yes, the greatest irony is that Frenchy’s Dad is… of course… a French teacher!)

Grave Digger

I mixed a few seasons of Monster Truck Jam for TNN. These shows featured in-truck cameras for the show. Installing in-truck cameras in Monster Trucks seems pretty simple. Unless of course someone forgets to replace the pin that holds the steering wheel in place. Then you REALLY wish that camera didn’t work at all, especially as it records the steering wheel coming off in the driver’s hands moments before he crashes his $150,000 truck. Not that I’ve ever seen THAT happen… but since it wasn’t MY fault, the tape WAS pretty funny!

How To Get Into Television

A fellow freelancer told me one day how he got into TV. He had worked at a grain distillery for years, and finally worked his way up to distiller. On his first night as head distiller, the machinery that separates the alcohol from the grain had a problem. Rather than call for help, he decided that he could fix it by himself. He was proud of the way he had handled the crisis without involving anyone else. However, he didn’t realize that the grain had actually not been distilled, and when a local farmer fed the not-distilled grain to his cows, it killed the whole herd. Two weeks later he was working in television.

Author: frenchy