Dear Seat 2A Occupant on the way to Seattle,

Sir,

I have been sitting next to you for nearly three hours, and I am now positive of it… the awful smell that has been assaulting my nostrils since I boarded is, in fact, you! At first I thought it might have been me, perhaps that unfortunate foot funk problem had returned, or even worse, my new jacket had absorbed some of the fart wind from my previous seat mate. Then I started to think maybe someone had opened a container of five day old milk with lots of fresh dog shit in it.

When you got up to go to the bathroom, I realized that smell went with you. Thank God for the break. Unfortunately there is still three hours to go!

Did you notice I spent almost an hour breathing through my shirt? That’s what your rotting stench reduced me to, using my clothing as breathing apparatus. Believe me, if I knew how to make those oxygen masks drop, I would’ve hit that button in heartbeat!

How on earth can you not know you smell like a sick dog’s dirty ass? Have you noticed that dogs go CRAZY when you come around? Trust me, it ain’t because you are their best friend. Smelling like you do, there is just no way a canine could ignore you.

If they would let me, I would gladly spend the remaining two hours in the bathroom, because it was less odorific, if that is even a word.

I would continue this letter, but your stench has made me nauseous. I just hope that rotting smell of yours isn’t leprosy, because that shit is contagious…

Author: frenchy