Frenchy's Rant

Got another financial spam/scam today. Here it is:

Attn: F-Recipient

Following the recovering of the omitted files, we wish to apologize for the delay in your payment and your involvement with the wrong people.

Finally, the funds US$10,500,000.00 (ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars) have been approved. The Insurance Code is [RVE-8077/09]. Send this code with your information (full names, current address, Fax and telephone #, Age and occupation) to the payment office to update your file and for instant payment.

Contact Person: Dr. Kennedy Erez

Director, Unity B-kline Finance Plc

EMAIL: contacthome@ubukplc.org

Tel: +234-(0)-7026043310)

Enclose your identification copy while sending your information for updte of your details in the central system.

Congratulations!!!

Yours sincerely,

MRS. FARIDA WAZIRI.

Executive Chairman, Economic and Financial Crimes Commission. (E.F.C.C).

And here, as usual, is my response:

Hello F-Sender!

Congratulations to you for finding me! This is the email I have been waiting for! I’ve been contacted by Mr. James Nunu, The Honorable James Brown, Esther Prakash, Mariam Hennesey (Mrs.) and Mr Adekunle, You are absolutely right, these people have all turned out to be the wrong people, because even though I always reply with all the information they request – All my various Full Names, false Social Security Numbers, other people’s Bank Account Numbers, completely invented PIN numbers, and everything, the one thing I never got in return is a nice, fat check.

Until now, that is. I see that you are the Executive Chairman of the very prestigious Economic and Financial Crimes Commission. Those other scams must have been some kind of crime or something! I mean seriously, why would someone I don’t even know send me millions of dollars, just like that? I always knew there had to be something illegal to it!

This is why I am so excited about your email! Those other bastards got my hopes up for nothing. Totaling up the amounts of all the other scams that I have responded to equals just about ten million dollars, an amount I think is fair for all the fraudulent hope-raising, and pointless email responding.

Get that check in the mail ASAP! Don’t let me down, Farida!

Congratulations!

Snickerdoodle F. Rumplemintz

I started getting interested in photography a few years ago, and that interest followed the same path that most of my interests do, whether it’s motorcycles, drums or even audio. First, I spend waaay too much money getting involved, then I realize that even though I have a lot of great stuff, I really have no idea how to use it. Then, I spend more money on books and DVD’s, trying to absorb every detail I can about my new found passion. Because of the addictive personality that I’m blessed with, when I am interested in something, I want to know everything there is to know about it, and I won’t stop until I do (or a newer, more expensive hobby comes along.)

One thing I didn’t know about photography when I started is that it’s a worse habit than crack. Everything involved with photography costs. A lot. But, just like crack, you justify and convince yourself of anything… I’ll just buy one more flash, then I am done, I swear! Whenever I pull out my camera crack pipe, family and friends run away screaming.

After buying every book there is on photography and lighting and taking literally thousands of terrible pictures, many of those terrible pictures posted on my other blog Weekly Photos, I realized I pretty much suck at my little hobby. It was in this moment of clarity I saw that I had basically two options. One: Have a yard sale. Two: Take a class.

The day after this realization struck, one of the many photography blogs I read religiously announced a one day lighting workshop that, through a miracle of scheduling, I could actually attend. The workshop happened to fall on the day before my birthday, making it a no-brainer to justify the cost. The fact that the instructor, Joe McNally, is one of my favorite photographers sealed the deal. I immediately signed up.

I couldn’t sleep the night before the workshop, alternating between excitement at learning some new things, and nervousness about being the dumb guy with the dumb questions. I left my house an hour early to allow for traffic or any other kind of disaster.

The traffic on the way was heavy, but not too bad. I arrived at the workshop about an hour early, so I decided to get a cup of coffee, figuring the caffeine jolt would definitely help my nerves. The only coffee shop in town was closed, which was probably for the best. I decided to head back to the building and just wait. And then, disaster struck.

A car turned on to the street, and it seemed to be too close to the middle of the road. That was the only thought I had time for, because two seconds later, this car in the middle of the road proved that it really was too close to the middle of the road by crashing into my Jeep.

Great.

I checked for newly protruding bone splinters, visible internal organs, or a giant pool of blood. Finding none, I decided I was OK. The car that hit me had a nice, deep dent in the fender, and a flat tire. The parked car that I slid into after being hit had a broken tail light. The Jeep fared much better, suffering only a very minor little dent. The girl that was driving apologized profusely, saying the sun was in her eyes. I was happy nobody was hurt. Cars are just pieces of metal and plastic, and can easily be fixed or replaced.

I also learned a few things from this little accident. One, I’ll never be a good photographer, because it never occurred to me to grab my camera and document the crash scene. Two: Jeeps can take a hell of a shot. Three: Leaving extra time to get somewhere important is always a good idea.

The police came, statements were made, and I made it to the class, shaken and stirred, battered and bruised, but on time. I don’t think I conveyed the great first impression that I wanted to on Joe, but he was very cool anyway.

Though I was distracted through a lot of the class, I picked up a lot of great information, and took a few decent pictures as well.

It’s been said I have an addictive personality, especially when it comes to two-wheeled transport. This is by far not the worse thing that’s been said about me. It’s also very true.

Finding Azusa Canyon road – which is now my own private racetrack – less than fifteen minutes from my adopted home was one of those life changing moments for me. Something great, right under my completely oblivious nose. I don’t think I’ve ever been called smart. It’d be like suddenly realizing the neighbors you’ve lived next to for years is actually Angelina Jolie, sunbathing topless in her back yard.

Better than that even!

So, having the aforementioned addictive personality, I’ve been up Azusa Canyon road every day for the past three days, a practice I plan to continue every day that I can. I went up there for a third time this morning. Here is my last set of pictures from my newfound paradise:

I now call Azusa Canyon road ‘The Milk Run.’

And, my last little shred of good news… Today, I finally remembered to pick up some milk!

Number twenty five on the WWE’s top twenty five managers of all time is none other than:

Frenchy Martin

Way to go Frenchy! Personally, I think Frenchy should have ranked much closer to the top, but I’m probably biased. From one Frenchy to another, congrats!

The entire top twenty-five manager list can be found here, if you – like my good friend and Faithful Fifteen reader Keith (of The Great Nova Scotia Expedition fame) who brought this to my attention – have nothing else better to do with your time.