Frenchy's Rant

Hoooooraaayyyyy! This is officially post number FOUR HUNDRED on my silly little blog!

And, even better… we’re off to Scotland! The ‘Long-ish Way Up’ trip kicked off at noon today, and so far it’s definitely COLD but AWESOME, and only going to get better!

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard from my newest friend, Mr. Nunu, head of foreign operations International Barclays Bank of Ghana. I can only assume that it’s been a long bank holiday over there in Ghana. That, or Mr. Nunu’s boss caught Mr. Nunu trying to pull a Mr. No-no, and waterboarded him in Guantanamo. Whatever… I was hoping to tell him off in the next e mail, but he seems he didn’t appreciate getting return spam, and had disappeared from my junk mail folder before I had a chance.

Oh, the plans I had for the 5.2 million…

Sad, really.

Speaking of holidays, my little holiday motorcycle tour of Scotland is finally here, and I’m pretty damn excited. We managed to bluff our way through two days of WWE International TV, and, if I do say so myself, we fooled ’em all but good! These TV’s were the smoothest by far, and it can’t be entirely blamed on the massive quantities of free-flowing whisky consumed nightly…

Or can it?

Abi and I will mount up on our rental motorcycles tomorrow (me on an FJR just like my FJR at home that makes it rain all the time, Abi on a Suzuki SV 650, a bike with zero protection from the elements) This trip has all the makings for a classic blog and/or journal (before I was a blogger, I was a journal writer.) provided Abi and I don’t turn the wrong way out of the rental lot and slam head on into a speeding double decker bus. If all goes well, by this time tomorrow we’ll actually be in Scotland, and if not, well, whatever does happen, it will surely be blogworthy.

I’ll try to update from Paradise if I can, and if not, the entire story will be told right here next week.

Didn’t take him long at all. Mr. Nunu is on the ball over there in Ghana!

With another sleepless night to go before we head up to Scotland, I decided to engage my new Ghannan friend again. Boredom is a bad thing, isn’t it?

Here’s his response, and my reply.

Dear Friend,
It was nice you responded to my mail,however i regard you as a respected person that was why i contacted you on this mutual benefit.

Dear Mr. Noodle,

You’re welcome for responding to your mail on this mutual benefit. I agree we should take things slowly too, and I think a phone self-acquittal is a good idea. I think it’s interesting you use the word acquittal, when I think the proper word is actually ‘acquaintance.’ I am not worried about needing an acquittal, since I trust you and I trust this 5.2 million dollar fraudulent transaction is on the up and up.

I like the secret code you are using to give me your telephone number. It’s very Spy vs. Spy-ish! However, I am not very good at breaking such codes. Just so you know, I didn’t understand the Davinci Code, and I suck at Sudoku. When I add up all the numbers in your e mail, I get 50. Is that the right answer? I always thought the answer was 42. But maybe that question is a different one. I am hoping the answer to our little secret code is actually 5.2 million!

I hope my limited intelligence doesn’t scare you away.

You say you are sorry for the lost. The lost what, exactly? But you’re right – Five Million Dollars will make almost everything fine again! Who knows, it may even be enough to buy us both an acquittal!

Send me that check, Mr. Sununu!

Here’s what happens when I get really bored. Last night I couldn’t sleep in my little tiny coffin sized bed here in the Britannia El Dumpo Grande in London. So, I did what any normal insomniac stuck in a crap hotel in the worst part of a foreign country would do after random bidet experiments lose their appeal – I answered some spam e mail that I received:

Dear Sir,

My name is Mr.James Nunu, head of foreign operations International Barclays Bank of Ghana. A certain late client of my bank made a deposit for 12 Months valued at $5.2Million. My proposition is that I will like you to stand in as the next of kin to the depositor. I found out that he died without making a “WILL” We shall employ the services of an attorney to arrange the transfer of rights and privileges of the deceased to you. If you are interested.

Please reply immediately with these details below:

1. A Beneficiary name and mailing address, in order for me to prepare The document for transfer of the funds in your name.

2. Direct Telephone and fax numbers.

3. Age and occupation.

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details.

Please I advice you don’t call my bank to inquire if I work with them or to ask for me, this is to avoid suspicious on my side as I am about to transferred this fund out of the bank it will be advisable to keep it confidential between both of us just to protect my job.

Best regard,

Mr.James Nunu.

My response to Mr. Nunu:

Dear Mr. Nunu,

Your timing couldn’t be better! My trailer (a Double Wide) just burned down due to an unfortunate meth lab ‘accident’. My sister/wife and I lost everything in the fire, including our pet skunk, who, as an incredible coincidence, was also named Mr. Nunu!

Am I interested? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Hell yeah I am interested! That $5.2 million will put me and my wife/sister right back on the road to Swankytown! And I can finally get that solid gold front tooth I’ve always wanted! Count me in Mr. Nunu (not my dead pet skunk, I mean you, Mr. Nunu, head of foreign operations International Barclays Bank of Ghana.)

Do I have to split any of this money with you or anyone else? This doesn’t have anything to do with enlarging my penis, does it? (it’s big enough, thanks!) Where is Ghana anyway? Are you going to pay me in real American dollars or is this $5.2 million going to be in some crazy foreign country kind of money like New Mexican or something? Are you sure you want to go through with this? I have a feeling the International Barclays Bank of Ghana might get pissed if they find out, but since you randomly emailed me through the internet, I trust you know what you are doing! Don’t worry we’ll keep this our little secret.

Let me know how soon I can cash that fat check my new non-skunk friend!

Can’t wait to see how this turns out…

It’s bad enough they drive on the other side of the road, now look at what their traffic signals look like!! Yeah, riding here in the UK will be a challenge, to say the least.

Hopefully, updates will follow soon…