Frenchy's Rant

I woke up early Thursday morning to fog. Fog isn’t rain, but it isn’t much fun to ride in either.

So I did what any sensible motorcycle adventurer would do. I rolled over and went back to sleep. An hour later, the fog had lifted, leaving an overcast and gray day.

I set my sights on more back roads, and possibly another Passport stamp or two. The closest stamp was programmed in, and I roared off into the hills of the Empire State.

During my wanderings, I stopped to take some pictures of Stormbringer near some cool stuff.

The skies darkened, and a few raindrops spattered me. Before the real heavy rain fell, I made it to the Women’s Rights National Historical Park. Needless to say, I wasn’t all that interested in suffering through a Suffrage Lecture, so I just asked for the stamp. Bonus! They had TWO stamps (yeah I know, it sounds corny and dorky, but collecting these stamps is as a good reason as any to go way out of the way on a motorcycle.)

There was one more stamp nearby, and with a smattering of rain falling on me, I left, determined to get that last stamp. I dodged the drops as best I could, and an hour later, I was at the Erie Canal Museum in Syracuse.

I walked inside, and asked the older fellow behind the desk for the stamp.”Oh, that. No, I’m sorry, we don’t have one of those. But I can give you a stamp of a donkey instead if you want.”

What the fuck? Well, why not!

And with that donkey stamp, I walked back outside, to suddenly angry looking skies.Without too much thought, I decided that while back roads were fun, getting home without getting drenched again would be more fun. It was only 266 miles home, so I jumped on the highway, nailed the throttle, and outran the storm.

Thirteen hours and 450 miles after leaving Bradford, I was home, tired, happy and most importantly – dry.

Good thing too, the next day it poured all day, and the temperature never got over 60 degrees.

Another cross country trip is shaping up for October… this time NOT on Stormbringer!

Though the sun came out during the day on Tuesday and dried up all the rain, the storm came back that evening with a vengeance. We heard the rain start picking up while sitting inside the TV truck, and about twenty minutes into our live ECW show, there was a terrific CA-CRAACKK!! outside. A utility pole in the parking lot had been hit by lightning!

Needless to say, Stormbringer was parked in that same lot. Zeus old man, your aim ain’t exactly what it used to be! However, that lightning blast did take out some of the more sensitive gear in the TV truck. Somehow, our show managed to stay on the air.

Looking at the radar, there was one more huge storm cell pretty much right behind the one that hit us, so as soon as the show was over, I packed up my stuff, fired up Stormbringer and headed for the hotel. I was entertained on the trip by the almost constant blasting of lightning lighting up the sky.

The next morning I looked outside, expecting to find the parking lot underwater, but the sky was just overcast. No rain in sight, so I decided to head west a little bit for another National Parks Passport Stamp.

The National Parks people have a program where they offer a passport and ‘cancellation stamps’ to collect in national parks across the US. I started collecting them on my cross country ride in October. Before this trip started, I’d collected 26 stamps in my passport. Before I left for Buffalo, I loaded a bunch of stamp locations into the GPS, in hopes of collecting a few more.

Since it wasn’t raining, I decided that fifty miles west was worth it for a stamp that I never would otherwise get, so I programmed in the James A. Garfield National Historic Site, and set off. I had the distinct pleasure of watching as the sun burned off the clouds. Though I know Stormbringer’s curse will be eternal, I suppose Mother Nature took pity on me for the near drowning I suffered the day before.

The great thing about my GPS is no matter how many time I go off course, it will keep recalculating until I get to my destination. The not-so-great thing about it is, it doesn’t often take a route that makes any sense. However, since I wasn’t in a hurry, I decided to just follow the route it plotted for me.

I was on a four-lane divided road, enjoying the fact that the sun was peaking out from behind the clouds, when I noticed a policeman going the opposite way slam on his brakes and flip on his lights. Since there were no other vehicles on the road, he had to be coming after me.

Shit.

Well, Ol‘ Smokey the Cop must’ve forgotten the three plus inches of rain that fell the day before, because when he spun his car into the median to come after me, I saw gobs of mud fly up, and his car just… stopped. Ol‘ Smokey was stuck good!

I didn’t wait around to see if he made it out, I took the next exit, and started turning randomly down small back roads. After about ten minutes of this I was pretty sure that I was safe, though I was lost as an Easter egg. The GPS tried to get me back on course:

So I took a right on Old Johnnycake, and about an hour or so later, I was smack in the middle of… Amish country? Of course the one time I REALLY wished I had my camera handy the damn thing was packed away in case of rain! I was stuck… I swear I am not making this up… in an Amish traffic jam! Six horse drawn carriages blocked up both sides of the road, and nobody could pass. It was incredible!

Of course for the rest of the day I was on the lookout, camera at the ready, but I never saw another carriage. Ah well.

Thirty more miles of weaving and APB avoidance, and I arrived at the James A. Garfield National Historic Site. The problem with some of these places is… well… in a word, they’re BORING! Most times, unless it is an amazing place like Zion National Park, I just want the stamp. I don’t want to go on the tour, or see the boring assed movie. (Someday I’ll write a rant about how I REALLY feel about the National Parks Service, and I guarantee there will be a GFY award involved!)

I think even the woman behind the counter knew the site was dull, she gave me the stamp right away, and didn’t attempt to talk me into seeing anything. She even gave me a piece of scrap paper to make sure I got the stamp just right.

Scrap or not, I still managed to fuck the stamp up. Ah well, at least I didn’t have to see where James Garfield ate breakfast!

Moving on, I realized that the back roads were much more interesting than the highways, and I was enjoying myself WAY too much, so I decided why not take all back roads, all the way home? Not to mention Officer Muddy McPigpen was probably still out there and pissed off, if he managed to get unstuck from the mud that is.

My decision may have added a LOT of miles to my trip, but the back roads of Ohio were just too beautiful and interesting to pass up. If I had to add a day to my trip and get home Friday, so be it!

I wonder if Garmin makes a chrome GPS?

Heading home on CR-22, I spotted a sign for something called the ‘Covered Bridge Trail.’ Perfect! Might be even more out of the way, but the weather was cooperating, so I figured, why not?

I followed the signs to two really nice old-fashioned covered bridges.

I liked these two so much, I wanted to see more. Following the signs led me to a really small road, then eventually the road ran out and I found myself on a dirt path. Would there be another covered bridge down this road? No matter, I’d decided to take back roads, and this was about as back as back roads get.

Soon enough I found my third covered bridge of the day.

No doubt there were more around, but it was getting late, and I needed to start making my way east.

I put the location of another National Parks Passport stamp into my trusty GPS, and headed towards Oil City, Pennsylvania. I spent the rest of my time in Ohio meandering past old barns, farms and gently rolling hills. I thought to myself, why not extend this trip indefinitely, take back roads all the way to Tierra del Fuego!!

Well, it’s not QUITE Tierra del Fuego, but it’s at least in the right direction to get home. I followed the GPS directions all the way to Oil City, in hopes of adding yet another stamp to my book. The park that I ended up in was a children’s park, complete with a see-saw and slides. I got a few dirty looks from some Mommies (definitely NOT MILF’s by the way!) for riding my obnoxiously loud motorcycle through their park. And I didn’t get a stamp for the effort either.

Frustrated, I pulled out my trusty analog map. I noticed I was close to the Allegheny National Forest, so I headed that way. Man was it worth it! The Devil’s own road – Route 666 – was probably the finest road of the whole trip.

Finishing that awesome ride, it was really starting to get late. This back road thing is fun, but you don’t really get anywhere in a hurry. I headed across Route 59, and stopped in Bradford, PA for the night. Bradford is the home of Zippo lighters, which my riding buddy Abi and I visited on a trip last year. I was too lazy to bother and go take a picture this time, so here is one from that trip:

Yeah, the building still looks the same. And yeah, I still miss the Hayabusa.

With a room secured at the poorly named Comfort Inn, and my belly filled to bursting at Beefeater’s Restaurant, I happily turned in for the night.

About 400 miles, all on country roads, maybe my finest day of riding ever!

One hundred and ninety miles. Some might say that’s a long commute to work, but not me. I looked forward to a nice ride to start the day, figuring it would make the rest of the day that much better.

How could it be? Another sunny day? If this continues, I might have to change Stormbringer’s name!

Yeah right!

About eighty miles into my commute, the skies predictably darkened. I tried to convince myself it was just fog rolling off Lake Erie, but deep inside I knew what was about to happen.

And soon enough, it did. I felt the first few stinging drops on my face and hands as the rain started to fall. I pulled to the shoulder, and bundled up as much as possible. Of course my rain jacket was conveniently in the bus, which was conveniently already in Youngstown. Tying my bandanna over my face, I took off into the approaching rain. The Masked Frenchy and Stormbringer strike again.

The thing about riding in the rain is… It’s fun! I don’t mind riding in it at all. Seriously, I kinda feel bad for the people driving by enclosed in their steel boxes. I like to experience the elements instead of being safely protected from them. Once you realize it’s JUST WATER, it’s really not that bad. This rain storm felt like someone was throwing handfuls of marbles at me, but once the stinging numbed my skin, I was fine.

Sixty miles later, I realized I needed gas. The skies actually relented as I pulled off, and the rain dwindled to drizzle, then stopped altogether! Soaking wet and shivering, I filled the tank. An old man shuffled over to me, observed my soaking wet gear, shook his head and said, “Boy, you picked a bad day to ride. You gonna get WET!”

Uhh, thanks, but I already AM wet! And the rain has stopped, so it’s all gonna be OK now.

And I seriously tried to believe it. Even when the raindrops started falling again. This time they were falling with more purpose. Maybe that old man knew something I didn’t?

Fifteen miles from the ChevyCenter Zeus unleashed the first HUGE bolt of lightning. Thunder boomed and more lightning lit up the darkened sky. Man, and I was SOO close. The road ahead disappeared into blackness, the monsoon was almost on me.

I steeled myself for the deluge, and when it hit it literally felt like I had driven into a lake. The raindrops were so fat and thick, instead of marbles it felt like someone was throwing baseballs. The water got behind my glasses and blinded me. For a few minutes, I really thought I was going to drown, it was coming down that hard.

I had two choices. Pull over and get crushed by a trailer truck driving as blind as I was, or continue on to the next exit, risking death by drowning. I chose to try and make it to the next off-ramp.

Fortunately there was a Speedway gas station at the end of the ramp, and even better it had a little awning over the pumps. I stopped and waited until the worst of it was over.

This lousy cell phone picture doesn’t even come close to showing how bad the weather was.

As I sat there, shivering my balls off, rivers of rainwater pouring off my jacket, some random dude came up to me and started telling me that he just got the book from the DMV and was going to get a motorcycle soon. He wanted to know if riding was as hard as it seemed. As the thunder boomed, I offered him Stormbringer right there and then if only he’d give me his truck.

He shook his head and walked away, wishing me luck.

I saw another motorcycle pull in, and a soggy couple got off. I walked over to commiserate with them. The woman was not very happy, but the man and I looked at each other and burst into huge fits of laughter between claps of thunder.

BOOOOOOOooooMMMMMmmmm!!!
HEEhoooHEEE HA HA HE HOO HE hahaHEHEHOO!
BoooOOOoooMMMmmm!
HEEhoooHEEE HA HA HE HOO HE hahaHEHEHOO!

What the FUCK are we doing this for anyway?!?

He said when it started raining, they decided to try and ‘weather it’ as far as they could. As far as they could was as far as I could too. There was no way to continue in rain this heavy. His wife said that being on the back through that storm was the most brutal thing she’d ever done. Ah c’mon, it wasn’t that bad, it couldn’t be. You’ve obviously never had to listen to Dick Blueballs and the Asshats at Tail o’ the Pup!

Sensing a slowdown in the downpour, I told them I was going to take my chances, since I only had three miles left to the arena. Then, mercifully I’d be able to get off Stormbringer, and change into less soaked clothes.

The streets of downtown Youngstown, OH were flooded beyond belief. Manhole covers were loosened by the torrents of water streaming down the roadways. Every intersection was a river crossing, sometimes the water came over my floorboards. It was simply incredible, and incredibly dangerous.

And of course, an hour after I parked Stormbringer at the arena, the rain stopped and THE SUN CAME OUT!

Tomorrow starts the long journey home, hopefully the worst of it is over……

Stormbringer rides again!

Part Four can be found by clicking HERE!

I woke early Sunday, got ready and stopped by the Pine Tree Motel office to check out. Burt was already up, and true to form, handed me a steaming mug of coffee with a big smile.

I thanked him for the great time I’d had at the fire. He semi-apologized for Vicky, explaining that she’d been victim of bad domestic violence last year, and needed someone to take her in. Burt and Norleen were kind enough to give her a place to stay and a job. He added, “She’s a bit much sometimes, but we love her.”

What a great place! Finding gems like the Pine Tree Motel is the whole reason I take motorcycle trips.

The weather once more agreed with me and Stormbringer, though it was a little chilly in the morning. Bright sunshine greeted us as we started our day. I wound my way up Route 9, and soon it was time for breakfast.

Couldn’t pass this place up!

Breakfast was, in a word, magnifique! With such a cool name, how could this place be anything but?

Back on the road, I spotted something out of the corner of my eye, and had to stop for a closer look. A HUGE nest perched atop a utility pole, and it looked like the owner was home.

Not sure if it was a bald eagle, but whatever it was, it was enormous and kept an eye on me the whole time I was stopped.

Moving on, I soon came to Ausable Chasm, the ‘Oldest Natural Attraction in the USA’. Sadly, I didn’t have time to explore the more than four miles of trails that line the chasm – as I was over 400 miles from my destination. I did take the time to snap a few pictures though:

Upstate New York turned out to be more amazing than I thought it would be. It’s equally amazing that I waited this long to ride over and see this part of the country.

Here’s a few more sights from my ride through some of the six-million acres that make up Adirondack Park:

Incredible! Magnifique! Pictures and words can’t do justice to this awesome place.

I made it to Lake Placid, and decided lunch was in order. I stopped at a place called something like Tail o’ the Pup BBQ and Blues, mostly because they had a lot of picnic tables set up outside and a band playing.

The food was not that great, but the horrible band made up for it. I think the name of the band was something like Billy Blueteeth and the Douchebags. You always know you are in for the pinnacle of musical entertainment when the lead singer starts the set off with, “Hi folks! We’re just about ready to play for you, but first we have to tune up our guitars. Be right back!”

Brilliant!

When they finally got around to it, their original songs were so bad that I just had to laugh. Here is a sample of one of their better blues massacres:

RAW this week came from Buffalo, a mere 500 miles from my house. Never one to miss an opportunity, I decided to take Stormbringer – my trusty Harley Davidson Heritage Softail – out of the shed for a little ride. Stormbringer was named in 2005 after a few long rides, because every single time I rode this bike it RAINED! It’s been a while since Stormbringer and I have traveled any great distance, so this opportunity was one not to be missed. The road was calling, and we were answering.

Thanks to my friend Stu and a bottle of The Glenlivet that we drained the night before, I got off to a late (and wobbly) start on Saturday. My plan was to ride to the Lake George area of upstate New York, find a room, then continue on through the Adirondacks, then across the state to Buffalo.

Though my head hurt a bit, the weather couldn’t have been better, leading me to believe the curse of Stormbringer may have finally lifted.

I wanted to take as many back roads as I could, but due to my late departure, I ended up taking the boring ol’ straight-line Mass Pike all the way to Albany. The road from Albany to Lake George was twisty and interesting, which almost made up for the boring slog through the Bay State.

Lake George looked like a great place to stay, with tons of people all over, and tons of restaurants and bars lining the main street. There were also tons of hotels and motels, but I soon realized that the tons of people had taken every last available room in the town.

Great.

Since my big plan for the next day included visiting Ausable Chasm, which was still about 70 miles north, I decided to jump on the highway and head north. I figured staying on the highway would increase my chances of finding a place, since there HAD to be plenty of places off the highway. As I rode into the twilight, I kept repeating to myself, “There had to be something available somewhere!” I passed about five hotels with the NO VACANCY sign lit up before I started to doubt that anything would be available anywhere.

As the sun set, it started getting colder. I stopped at a gas station, trying to figure out what to do. Sleeping on the side of the road didn’t sound like all that much fun, though the idea started to become a possibility. I asked in the gas station for a recommendation.

“Heh! Hun, are you kiddin’? There’s four festivals up this way this weekend. You didn’t make a reservation? That’s funny! You ain’t gonna find nuthin’! There’s a place up the road a ways, but they’re prolly full too.”

I wound my way along Route 9, hoping to find a place to spend the night. After about seven miles of wilderness, I came upon a place called The Pine Tree Motel. I took it as a good sign there was no sign out front, Vacancy or Not.

I parked Stormbringer in front of the office and walked up to find out if this would be my night’s home. Many times having a motorcycle – especially a Harley – can work against chances of getting a room. One trip Abi and I actually watched the hotel manager look out the window, see two motorcycles in the lot and hurriedly switch the sign to NO VACANCY. Fortunately that night we had a reservation at this hotel – THAT was a fun check-in!

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a reservation at the Pine Tree Motel, so I was at their mercy. I walked into the office, and knew immediately I was in a good place. The first thing Norleen, the owner said was, “Wow! That’s really a nice bike!!”

I quickly took their best available accommodation, a little cabin for $95. Norleen told me there was a hose to wash the bike if I wanted to, and blocks of wood under the porch to put under the kickstand so it wouldn’t sink into the ground.
Wow. This place was perfect, and was about to get even better.

Norleen told me that her husband Burt was out back getting the bonfire going.

Bonfire? Are you kidding? She said I was welcome to go warm up by the fire for as long as I wanted to. Then she told me to look for Bert, as I was sure to run into him eventually.

I went to my little cabin and unpacked Stormbringer. As I walked back out the door, a huge bear of a man was out there with his hand extended. “Hi! I’m Burt. The fire’s going out back. Want a beer?”

This is the best place I have ever stayed!

Surprise beer in hand, I walked to the back, where a ring of chairs surrounded a pretty decent sized bonfire. I met two couples, Richard and Jenny and Jim and Barbara. Richard and Jenny were on holiday from London, Jim and Barbara were two other travelers that spent a few hours looking for a place to stay the night. They were also lucky recipients of accommodations at the Pine Tree Motel.

Soon our party was joined by Vickey, the housekeeper. Evidently when my cabin wasn’t occupied, Vickey lived in it. When a guest stayed in the cabin, Vickey moved to a little trailer parked on the other side of the office. When I first met her she was taking her things out of my cabin. She said, “Don’t worry, I’ll just scamper to my camper!” She came across as a little crazy, but that’s just because she was a little crazy.

Vickey had an uncanny knowledge of each and every cartoon ever made, and ‘entertained’ us with her impressions, laughing like a madwoman after each one. “Thufferin’ Thuccotash! HEEhoooHEEE HA HA HE HOO HE hahaHEHEHOO!”

It would have been annoying, except for two things; Jim thought she was hysterical and soon joined in with impressions of his own, and most importantly, Vickey had a cooler full of beer.

After a while owners Norleen and Burt appeared. Partying with the motel owners is great, because you can’t get in trouble as long as they are part of the fun. And it seemed they’d already been partying for a while, as both were slurring their words a bit.

Burt asked if we wanted to see a show, which we all eagerly did. Not sure what was going to happen, we watched as he got up and walked away. Moments later all the outside lights for the whole motel turned off. He came back and simply said, “Showtime. Look up.”

We did, and within minutes we’d seen three shooting stars. The night sky was so crystal clear it was like being in an observatory.

Sitting around our bonfire, we all traded stories, jokes, and of course – more cartoon impressions!

Norleen pulled up a chair beside me and started explaining what a pain in the ass some potential customers can be. She said she’d spent the last hour waiting for ‘some greasy guy and his wife’ to decide if they were going to rent the last available room. Evidently this greaser was rudely talking on his cell phone for quite a long time while Norleen waited and waited. Finally she’d had enough waiting for this guy, so she walked over to the motel sign, and hung the dreaded No Vacancy sign! “Sorry, you’re out of luck, pal!” she said as she left him standing there dumbfounded, still on his phone.

I knew this was my kind of place!

The joke of the night came from Jim, “I used to have a dog named Stain. It was great because when I called him I’d always say Come Stain!”

Vickey added, “HEEhoooHEEE HA HA HE HOO HE hahaHEHEHOO!”

After the roaring laughter died down, Richard asked me, “When you’re on that motorcycle, what do you do if it rains?”

I didn’t even have to think about it. “Get wet.”

And with Richard’s obvious foreshadowing, I realized not only was my fun meter pegged, but the hour was getting late – so I left the fire and my new friends to get some sleep.

Tomorrow’s plan? Get up early, ride more back roads north to Asuable Chasm, then shuffle off to Buffalo.

Part Two can be found by clicking HERE.