Frenchy's Rant

Laredo, Texas is a wonderfully small town right on the border with Mexico that the WWE tour recently visited. I love to read the newspaper from tiny towns like Laredo, because there is often important news happening in these little places that is overlooked by the rest of the world.

Fortunately, newspapers like The Laredo Morning Times exist to fill the rest of the world in on such important yet neglected news events.

The first story comes from The Laredo Morning Times own intrepid reporter Celina Alvarado. The headline, ‘Passer-by rescues naked 3-year-old wandering street‘ seems to say it all, but it really only gives part of the story. The first paragraph of this report states ‘A naked 3-year-old girl found walking down Calle al Norte with a condom around her wrist was picked up by Child Protection Services on Sunday.’ Yes, you read that right. This poor toddler was found WITH A CONDOM WRAPPED AROUND HER WRIST! And, believe it or not, it gets better! The story goes on to say that the child’s mother told police the 3-year-old – who was ‘fully clothed the last time she was seen – sneaked out of the house while the mother was asleep.’ Laredo Police spokesman Jose E. Baeza is then quoted stating, “Aside from what appeared to be a piece of condom around her wrist and the child’s nudeness, there were no signs of neglect.” Fortunately for this poor kid, the child was removed from the home pending the results of a full investigation.

The second story that caught my attention was filed by reporter Lynn Brezosky entitled, ‘DEA nabs cartel leader at H-E-B‘ According to the story, a former Mexican police commander now believed to be a high-ranking member of the Gulf Cartel was nabbed after a Drug Enforcement Agent spotted him buying – I am not making this up – a watermelon at a local grocery store. Seems one of the alert agents that has worked on apprehending the full time drug cartel leader and part time watermelon lover was in the same grocery store at the same time, recognized the dude and immediately had the nefarious melon-buyer arrested.

And finally, from my favorite section of any local newspaper, a section titled ‘The Blotter‘

According to authorities, deputies ‘came upon a man casually smoking marijuana outside his residence. The authorities surprised the man who ran to the backyard and left behind evidence including a fully loaded shotgun and 13 bundles containing 400 pounds of marijuana – valued at a whopping $202,400 – on the porch. The residence was searched and authorities found several religious relics and pictures of the suspect inside. No arrests were made, however the investigation continues.’ Bong hits for Jesus anyone?

Only in small town America… you can’t make this stuff up!

Sitting on the flight this morning, I noticed something vaguely alarming. For some reason I was staring at the part of my arm located directly above my wrist (who says flying isn’t fun and exciting?) and I noticed it for the first time. What the hell? A burgeoning patch of LONG arm hairs about one inch above my left wrist. I’m not talking about a few randomly sprouting strays, I’m talking about the beginning of a full-on PELT! Further inspection – as much as could be legally performed on a fully loaded airplane – revealed my right upper-wristal area doesn’t have this tuft, just the left. This started me nervously wondering, is this a late after-effect of my recent spider bite, or just the continuation of a long, slow decline into furry mammalian old age?

I remember like it was yesterday that awkward growing-up phase in school when different bits started sprouting hairs. (There are some pictures of that happy time on this blog somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I’ll provide the link. Faithful Fifteen, you’re on your own!) Man, how I looked forward to the days when I could actually shave those few straggly whiskers, just like Dad! I even looked forward to cultivating some ‘pit hair’ which also meant looking forward to the joys of deodorant.

And now, stumbling down the path from youth to adulthood and ever onward, ever downward towards old(ish) age, I stopped and realized that this path also evidently leads to Wookie resemblance, something I’d never have imagined just a few short years ago. Now instead of looking forward to whisker removal, I have to inspect for grey hair plucking. Hairs that I used to wish for I now dread.

The worst part of the whole ‘getting old’ thing? I’d have to say, at least at this point, thinking about it

Damn it. Why wasn’t there an in flight movie today?

… is low expectations.

Fourth of July is always a crazy time for me. For the past two years I’ve hosted what is becoming the Annual Frenchy Family Bash. This year, in addition to most of the clan coming over for the festivities, some friends in the middle of a cross country road trip stopped by for a few days and added to the insanity.

I was upstairs looking for something when – BZZT! -I felt a little shock on my arm. I ignored it until – BZZT! –I felt it again.

What the hell? I turned and looked and there was the biggest, fattest, ugliest and meanest looking spider I’ve ever seen in my life happily biting away at me, and I wasn’t even eating any curds and whey!

Shit. Though there aren’t any really poisonous spiders in my area, I knew my cross country friends had been camping in Yellowstone. Did this little uninvited guest hitchhike with them to my house? Was this six-eyed bastard really a cold-blooded, poisonous killer?

My fingers started tingling and I broke out in a sweat. Suddenly, I craved flies. I started to grow three more sets of eyes and six more legs. For unknown reasons the words ‘SOME PIG‘ flashed through my brain. What the hell was this thing anyway? What had happened to me? A frantic search on the internet brought up several possibilities, some bad, some less so.

(As a side note, if you ever find yourself bored and in need of a good case of the willies – Google spider images… guaranteed hours of creepy-crawly disgusting fun.)

Could the creepy arachnid that had just poisoned me be the dreaded Brown Recluse, who’s bite causes skin necrosis? Or the almost-as-bad Hobo spider, something I’d never even heard of before? Looking through gruesome picture after gruesome spider picture, the search narrowed down to the Marbled Orb Spider, a common little pain in the arm. Even though this evil beast looks like the spawn of Hell, as it turns out, it’s bite isn’t all that bad.

Marbled Orb Spider – Maximus Disgustimus

The tingling, pain, extra eyes and appendages went away after a while, but every now and then I crave a good fly or two. Needless to say I’m still waiting for my webslinging superpowers to develop.

Until then I will do my best to avoid sitting on tuffets.