Frenchy's Rant

Here are a few signs I have collected along the way:

Sorry Sir, gotta check your package.

Thank you for smoking.

All canoes must STOP!

Thank God for eBay!

Mmmmm! Poop!

Got three bucks?

No French Horns!

So… would that be an exit then??

What do you do when there is really nothing new or exciting worth blogging about? Exactly what network television does, a RECAP!

So, here are my Top Five Favorite Posts of 2006, in no particular order, and for no particular reason. (Just click on the link, then scroll down past this post to read them… for some reason that I don’t feel like figuring out, this post remains on top… Ah well. Blogger.com strikes again!)

5: Airline Safety – These things are so stupid, it’s laughable. I have some more for 2007, just need to get around to scanning them.

4: French Intelligence Thwarts Major Hijack Plot – A commendable and valiant attempt by misguided members of the Faithful Fifteen to take over the blog, since I hadn’t posted once in all of July. What a lazy bastard I was. Scroll down a bit more to see where they ‘took over.’

3: Guinness Responds! – A letter I wrote as a goof to Guinness actually got a response. Too bad I didn’t get a sponsorship as well.

2: Reflections – I don’t think any post I have ever made got more of a reaction than this one. Too bad (or maybe Thank God) comments weren’t enabled when I put this one up!

1: Rehab Girl – I still wonder about this crazy, Cookie-Monster-coloring Robitussen addict from time to time. I really hope it all worked out for her.

You’d think that with a 1700 mile drive in a U-Haul from RI to Florida that something interesting would have happened…. but sadly enough, that’s not the case. 1700 of the flattest sea-level driving ever, and not one thing to note, except my riding buddy is now officially a resident of the Sunshine State.

Ah well, here’s to a new year. Motorcycle rides to Baja, Nova Scotia, Jasper and possibly a return to Alaska are in the works… Many other things are brewing as well. Stay tuned!!

Merry Christmas! (how politically incorrect of me.) Thanks for reading!

Morning came far too early. There was just enough time before crew call to stagger over to the DFAC for breakfast. I have to say the food in the DFAC’s is really good, definitely worth staggering over for. By 8 AM we were all bright eyed and bushy tailed, eagerly anticipating the show.

Riiiight.

But we were there, and everything checked out OK. We even had enough time before the show to pass out poster board and markers to the soldiers, so they could make signs.

And then, just like that, it was showtime. Time to forget the travel nightmares and the exciting events of the set day and get down to business. We entertained the troops the best way we knew how, and hopefully made them forget, at least for a little while, the shitty place they called their temporary home.

Not to brag, but I really think this show was – at least technically speaking – the best one so far. There were a few minor issues, but we handled them all. The actual show flew by, which is a good thing. By 2 PM we were completely finished. Sometimes the show drags on and on, but this one seemed over moments after it started.

And of course, once the show ended, it was time to disconnect everything, close up the cases and head home. The following schedule was posted:

Dinner: 5:30 to 8 PM
Luggage pickup: 8:30
Depart BIAP: 9:45 PM.

Time to go home!

On a sad note, after the show we learned that two people were injured in yesterday’s mortar attack. One soldier’s leg had to be amputated, and a woman suffered shrapnel wounds in the neck. There were rumors that three others were injured as well, but nobody seemed to know what had happened to them.

It can really make you go crazy if you stop and think about it too much.

Anyway… by 5:30 everything was packed and loaded on pallets for the return trip. Amazing to think what takes twenty hours to set up can be completely dismantled and packed up in three.

Production Tent – End of Show.

Another Beautiful Sunset in Baghdad.

With a few hours to spare, we asked if our van could make a detour to the PX (The military version of a Wal-Mart) before dropping us at the RAGT. Our driver said it wouldn’t be a problem, so we loaded up. As usual, we had to wait for someone… It never fails. The soldier that was driving us was chatting about something or other when he suddenly stopped and – I am not kidding about this – said, “What was that…Uhh… OH FUCK!! GET OUT OF THE VAN! GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!!”

Not this bullshit again.

The remaining soldiers still palletizing our gear were face down immediately. I was in the very back of the van, and jumped over two seats (and a few people) to get out and into the gutter. Partially under the van, partially in the gutter, I could hear myself breathing heavy, panting really… waiting for… well, waiting for what, I didn’t know. I had no idea who was around me or where everyone else had disappeared to. The driver was near me, so I asked him what he heard that made him yell. He told me that he’d heard an early-warning air raid siren. Radar around the base detects objects in the air. The siren gives five to ten seconds of advanced warning, enough time to get on the ground (maybe) He also said that a lot of the time, the ordinance is so old that it doesn’t detonate when it lands.

This must have been one of those cases, because thankfully nothing happened, except more frayed nerves.

I would like to pause a moment and give out a very heartfelt GFY Award to the mortar-firing douchebags that tried to ruin our day.

There. I feel better now.

We got up, dusted ourselves off, and drove the the Military Wal-Mart. There was really nothing worth getting, and I’m not sure buying swag for a war is really appropriate anyway.

Returning for the last time to the RAGT, we were absolutely shocked beyond all belief. That’s right, our flight was delayed. It seems the Spirit of GFY wouldn’t be flying until 6 AM.

Great. With that news, I fell sound asleep, waiting for our early morning luggage call.

Eight hours later, we were in the air, leaving Baghdad.

WWE ‘Tribute To The Troops’ Tour 2006

And five hours after that, we were back at Ramstein Air Base, where they told us that we wouldn’t be going directly to Andrews Air Force Base, we’d be stopping in some goofy place called Goose Bay for fuel. Normally we refuel in the air, but like everything else on this trip, it was messed up for some reason.

It took 23 hours, but we finally made it back home, safe and sound. In a way, I have to say that I am glad that things went the way they did. Certainly, I am happy that none of our crew was hurt (or worse) but also to experience a small slice of what life really is like for the troops in Iraq. Bringing them a small distraction for a couple of hours took on a whole new meaning for me, and yes, if we return for Tribute Number Five, I will be there again.

So we sat. And waited. And sat. And waited some more.

Finally, after a long while, when it seemed that things had calmed down, we were allowed to go back to the arena. I had mixed feelings about going back to work, but I also figured the best thing to do would be to return and finish setting up. As they say, the show must go on – mortar attack or not.

So we did what we came to Iraq to do. Set up for the Tribute to the Troops. What’s one more delay? We’re undefeated! An hour later we were informed that a Lieutenant Colonel wanted to talk to us. I asked what it was about, and was told, “I dunno. Probably asking you not to talk about the incident.”

But that wasn’t what the Lieutenant Colonel Chiarelli wanted at all. After a short speech thanking us for being the underappreciated slugs that we are – you know, the hardworking, energetic, brilliant and handsome guys routinely pull off the impossible, the ones that really put on the show – he handed out thirteen ‘Entertainment Excellence’ awards, one to each crew member present during the afternoon’s ‘episode.’

In Lieutenant Colonel Chiarelli’s words, “These awards honor entertainers or those working in entertainment organizations who are involved in action while visiting troops during a war. Fortunately, we don’t give many of these awards out.”

Another Beautiful Day Ends in Baghdad

By 11 PM we were close enough to being ready, so we all decided to call it a night, and headed back for the RAGT. The other crews that had toured forward operating bases all day were already back, and wanted to hear about our eventful day. A few cocktails were poured, and stories were swapped.

One of the funniest stories from the FOB’s involved a conversation between a wrestler and a soldier.

S: “So, when did you guys get to Baghdad?”

W: “Late last night.”

S: “Where’d you come in from?”

W: “Germany.”

S: “Wow. When we came in, we spent a week in Kuwait to acclimate before coming to Baghdad.”

W: “What’s Kuwait?”

And on it went. We stayed up later than we really should have, but it felt good to laugh and release some of the tension of the day. It was hard to believe that the show day was nearly upon us. After a few cocktails, sleep came easily.