Frenchy's Rant

After enduring the nightmarish Flight with the Undead Arm, and a three hour bus ride, I arrived at the Wembley Plaza Hotel, my home for the next four days.

It always takes a little while to adjust to the United Kingdom, things are a tad different here. For example, the elevators talk, announcing things like doors opening and closing. The elevator in the Wembley is a bit hyper for my taste, constantly reminding passengers in a cheerful female voice, “Lift going up… lift going up… lift going up.” Every floor, just in case you weren’t sure.

I don’t mind as much when the lift says it is ‘going down’…

Another thing that constantly scares me is crossing the street. Seriously. Cars in London drive on the left (wrong) side. I’m always afraid I am going to look to the right, step out into the street and get blasted by a speeding micro-car I never even saw. Splat goes the Frenchy!

I guess that must happen quite a bit, because in London they have painted helpful signs on the roads.

Jolly good!

Another thing about the United Kingdom that takes a while to get used to is how polite everything is. Here are a few actual signs:

To me, as an ‘Ugly American’ or ‘Septic Yank’ as we’ve been called, it’s almost scary how nice they are. I’m used to signs that simply say, “Elevator busted. Take the stairs, ya fat chump!”

As polite as the signs may be, the bouncers at most pubs aren’t. For whatever reason, I’ve had a hell of a time getting into a pub to spend some money and quaff a few pints in the past. Hopefully this time will be different.

Decided to be adventurous and take the ‘Tube’ into Central London. I was told it would take about a half hour to get there. I grabbed my friend Abi and a Tube map, and set off.

That should be easy to follow, no?

After some confusion, (not due in any part to the excellent map) we made it to Central London. And found a pub, called Shakespeare’s Head, that welcomed us right in.

I was never much of a Shakespeare fan, until I went into the Shakespeare’s Head Pub. Great job, Shakespeare!

After a nice, cold Guinness, it was time to find some dinner. We attempted to eat at a restaurant called ‘Tiger Tiger’, but the bouncer practically chased us out. Some things will never change.

Thai restaurants apparently enjoy paying customers, so we had a great meal of Pad Thai.

After dinner, we wandered around London for a while. I took some pictures that didn’t come out very well. I will return tonight to try again.

And that pretty much sums up Day One. Tomorrow, we start setting up for RAW and Smackdown.

Neilsen Media Research
770 Broadway
New York, NY 10003

April 20, 2006

Dear Mr. Leslie Neilsen,

I’m not really sure how you have time to figure out who is watching what in addition to a busy movie career. Airplane! is one of my favorite movies of all time, better even than Police Squad. In fact, I loved the movie Airplane! so much that I got into a career that lets me fly every week!

That career is mixing audio for sporting events. I love my job, and want it to go on forever. And on the days that I think maybe I don’t really love it, all I need to do is look at how much my mortgage is, and I go right back to loving it again.

That’s why I am writing you Mr. Neilsen. I want one of those ‘black boxes’ to take to work with me. I want to be considered a Metered Neilsen Household. Having one of those black boxes at work will increase the ratings of the shows I am working on, making me a more marketable mixer, and who knows, it might even help with the Emmy Award Board of Directors (unlike the strippers I sent them last year. What a disaster that was!)

Please send my black box ASAP, the 2006 Emmy Awards are fast approaching.

Sincerely,

Frenchy
Emmy Award Losing Audio Mixer

Well, the London trip started off well. Two hours into the eight and a half hour flight, I asked for a glass of red wine to help me sleep. In Business Class, wine is complementary, but back in second class, it’s five bucks a bottle.

The wine comes, a nice little bottle of La Palma from Chile. Excellent vintage and all that. I pour a glass, take a sip and set the glass down on the tray. Not bad. A few minutes later I watch in horror as my arm takes on a life of it’s own, like a scene from Flight with the Undead Appendage.

I know my arm well, and what is about to happen. I have seen this scene played out countless times. It successfully frees the captive wine from the glass, sending four dollars worth of Chile’s finest wine all over the tray, and eventually my pants. Now I look like someone stabbed me in the leg. Great.

Mission accomplished, the undead spirit released control of my arm.

The guy sitting next to me, the one that didn’t even say hello when I sat down, watched the whole thing. As the wine soaked into my formerly dry pants, he shrugged and said, “Eh, don’t worry about it man, shit happens.”

The rest of the flight, I waited for the undead arm to strangle him, but sadly it never did.