Frenchy's Rant

By now, everyone has seen those big red “EASY” buttons. Press the EASY button, and a little voice says “That was easy.” Funny for about a minute, but then it gets old.

After checking on my ongoing cone experiment (still unmoved at 3:30!) and failing to find any Groundhogs to torch, I needed something to keep me from slipping into a boredom induced coma today. Mustering a little bit of energy, I noticed a button on my audio console that was almost interesting. (Bear with me, I’m BOOORED!)

Here is the console, a Calrec Alpha series. Without getting into a lot of boring technical details, this audio console has a lot of buttons. Press one wrong button, and you can erase your whole set up. Fun.

And no, not one single button is labeled EASY. However, there is one button whose function is somewhat of a mystery:

Right next to the IN and INTER buttons, sits the mysterious ASS button. I don’t know what it does, and since I’m afraid to press it, I probably never will.

Day two of my little experiment finds the cone with the DO NOT MOVE sign – unmoved!

Whew! Being a scientist is tough work, but the cats (and Groundhogs) are safe, at least for now…

Received this lawyer’s cease and desist e-mail today from Gobbler’s Knob, the home of Punxsutawney Phil, the little bastard (ooops) that saw his stupid shadow and delayed my riding season by six weeks.

Dear Mr. Rant,

It has come to our attention that you have made several threatening remarks on your quaint (and not very widely read) little blog towards our client, the Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, and Weather Prophet Extrordianire – Punxsutawney Phil. We are aware your blog is only read by the so-called Faithful Fifteen, however your hateful threats and heinous comments have hurt the feelings of our fortuitously fragile, furry little forecaster.

Yes, it is true that Phil has seen his shadow six out of the last ten years. With the advent of intense media coverage and super bright television lights, it’s nearly impossible for Phil to NOT see his shadow. In any case, Phil cares not a whit for your so-called riding season, he calls his shadows as he sees ’em.

It has been said that some are weather-wise, some are otherwise. You, sir, are most assuredly otherwise. We therefore demand that you cease all mentions of Punxsutawney Phil, whether it be as a “rat“; a “little punk“; a “big chicken” or especially “Phil the Pecker-head” on your barely browsed blog.

If we do not receive the assurances requested herewithin within fourteen days, we shall have no choice but to roust Phil again, and re-inquire about shadow sightings, purposely postponing your precious riding season another six weeks.

Very Truly Yours;

PUTZ, RUMPOLE & DOUCHEWITZ LTD.
Gobbler’s Knob, PA

All I can say is, thanks for the e mail guys, it’s good to know others besides the Faithful Fifteen are reading! Don’t worry Phil, you little buck-toothed bastard, you’ll hear from me soon!

Ever get completely bored? Not “Ho-hum, what time is lunch?” bored. No. I’m talking, “I hit the end of the Internet, now what the hell am I going to do?” bored. Today was that type of day. With a complete set day and twelve additional hours before the show, I ran out of things to read/see/do early.

So, I decided to perform an experiment.

I took an orange traffic cone, and attached a sign to it. The sign read “DO NOT MOVE -Mgmt.” I placed this orange cone in the middle of a busy hallway, with forklifts shuttling pallets and worker scurrying back and forth all day.

I wanted to see what would happen. That’s how bored I was. Everyone that encountered the cone walked or drove around it, without question.

Amazingly enough, the cone stayed put for the whole day. I’d be willing to bet that cone will still be there in a week or two, making me think that -Mgmt. are a pretty scary bunch. What they say goes, apparently.

I have no idea what I am going to do to relieve tomorrow’s boredom, maybe find a couple of cats to light on fire.

I’ve been through a bit of a drought in the last few weeks. Nothing incredibly interesting or funny has happened lately. Nobody wants to read about my big time couch shopping adventure, I’m pretty sure. Part of the lull is the season. Right now is the long and dreary stage of winter that drags and drags on… Sure there are a few teaser days where it gets warm, but then BOOM! Another five inches of snow falls. Yeah, Phil the Peckerhead was right, six more weeks of winter… Kinda has a way of killing the creativity.

What can you do?

I came up with one idea. I thought about outsourcing my blog on slow days. You know, hiring an off-shore blogger to do the work, trying to keep things interesting for the faithful fifteen or so blog readers that I have amassed.

I can picture it now, in one of the lulls I could make a quick call to a foreign country and have my secret off-shore assistant provide some material. I used a few translation sites on the web to translate the beginning of my little rant about Chatty Urinal Nutters, just to get a feel for how an off-shore ghost blogger might write:

Regards and to methods of the Rant of Frenchy.

Is it I? Or this of the place not better of the urinal only when the end begins the conversation? Might I to see the circumstance around the device of the water if I kept cool, or level in the cross-beam, but in the urinal? Is it this is new “at the place” the end to work like the friend?

Yeah, maybe not….

All I can say is the season of the trip for motorcycle cannot arrive most rapidly.