Frenchy's Rant

Oh yeah! Look at me stylin’ in my Pimp Robe! This is how I roll, thanks to the Hotel Monaco!

Mysteriously, on my last night in Hotel Bizarro, my room mate’s name changed. I don’t know if it was my idle threat to take Zack down to Pike Place market where they throw fish around, or if the striped walls finally made him commit suicide. Some time beteween Friday morning and Friday night my fish’s name mysteriously became “Fonzie”.

I will have to make sure and check the bill closely to see if I get charged for Zack. (I am sure I would get charged for taking the Pimpin’ robe. Sadly, I left it behind.)

My “home-away-from-home” for the next two days is the Hotel Monaco in Seattle. What a fancy-pants hotel it is! Not only does this place provide free internet, excitingly striped walls and Pimpin’ leopard spotted robes, they’ve also thoughtfully given me a room mate.

My room mate is a white and orange goldfish named Zack. I wondered if every room had a goldfish in it, and whether they were all named Zack or not. Either way, it was cool to have a “pet” for a few days. I bet seeing all that striped wallpaper outside the bowl must drive him crazy. He was very excited from the moment I arrived. Watching him zoom around his little bowl made me hungry. Time to go find some dinner.

Sorry Zack, but they have some of the best sushi here in Seattle.

Once upon a time there were two guys that shared a dream. They worked out all the time, learned the moves, endured pain and inevitable injuries, drove themselves hundreds of miles around the country from arena to arena, in the hope that one day their dream might come true.

Their dream? To become world-famous professional wrestlers.

After years of wrestling on the “indy” circuit, their “big break” finally arrived. They auditioned for the WWE and were hired. A new tag team called “The Tollands” was born.

Several months of intense training later, The Tollands big day finally arrived. Special entrance music was written for them, costumes were designed. Everything was in place. They were set to debut on Velocity, a stepping stone program which can lead to a spot on WWE’s nationally televised RAW or Smackdown.

There was only one problem. Sometime before their big debut, it was decided that a tag team called “The Tollands” wasn’t as impactful as it could be. A new name was affixed to this fledgling tag team duo.

They are now called “The Dicks”.

After ten years, I finally broke down and bought a new vehicle. It’s funny, because I wouldn’t think twice about buying a new motorcycle (or two… or three…) but I waited about three years too long to get a new Jeep. My truck, a 1994 Dodge Ram had been “telling” me for some time it wanted to retire. Every time I would close the door, a piece of paint or rust would fall off. The worsening exhaust leak made the truck sound like a steroid-enhanced lawnmower. The shocks were so bad that if I hit a bump the right way, the front tire would jump up and down, and everything in the truck would shake as if riding out an earthquake. I could accept all that, since my longest drive is to the airport and back. I was finally convinced it was time to move on when the hood suddenly flew up and blocked the windshield one day.

I’ve always liked Jeeps. They are fun and can go off road, and like motorcycles, Jeep owners wave when they go by.

I rode the Hayabusa to the dealership, because I didn’t want them to see the condition of my “trade-in”. I was afraid they would say no if they saw the sad and rusted truck. We made a fair deal, and I became the owner of a dark blue Jeep Wrangler.

But of course, just like my house (roots clogging the sewer pipe) , my BMW motorcycle, (burned a piston and blew up a head gasket) and every Christmas present I have ever received, (missing parts or directions) something was wrong with it. In this case, after driving home in the rain, I noticed water in the passenger floorboard. Yes, my Jeep with four miles on it was leaking.

I took it back to the dealer, then flew out for a two week run. My father graciously offered to pick it up and “Jeep-sit” while I am away. I guess it is just payback for all the times I borrowed his car.

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[l\ _, [____],
l—L –OlllllllO–
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