Frenchy's Rant

Enjoyed a computer crash on Monday, great way to spend a few days off. It took about three days, searching for installation CD’s and drivers but I think I have mostly recovered from it. The amazing thing to me is that all that plastic and silicon and transistors and other junk inside a computer somehow all works to let me write this, and you read this… when it all works correctly.

And it is a huge pain in the ass when it doesn’t.

Thanks to a busy schedule of ESPN and WWE shows, I have been living in hotels for almost the whole month.

After a long day, I returned to my room, only to find that the room key card didn’t work. I tried the key several times. The red light on the door mocked me each time as it blinked. “No entry”. Evidently the front desk hadn’t programmed my card to work for my whole stay.

Angrily, I stormed back to the front desk. I mean, how freakin’ hard can it be to get dates programmed right? I threw the key on the desk and exclaimed, “This damn key doesn’t work!”

She looked up at me and said, “Of course it doesn’t work sir, this isn’t a Marriot.”

Duh.

I am in Indianapolis for ESPN to cover the Pacer’s game tonight. When we showed up for crew call at 7:30 AM, we were greeted by a CBS camera crew. CBS PrimeTime is doing a piece on… of all things… “A Day in the Life of Television Production.” Our game was picked to represent “sports”. CBS also has crews at the “Ellen” show, (representing “boring TV”?) C.S.I., and several news channels as well. The point of their show is supposed to document what goes into producing television on this day (Wednesday Nov 9th)

We had a crew meeting on the basketball court, but it was mostly for the CBS cameras. During the meeting we had to sign release forms allowing CBS to use our likeness on TV. A star is born!!

It was interesting, at least to me, to watch the ESPN “behind the scenes” people hamming it up for the cameras. Some people feigned indifference, some were annoyed, others followed the cameras around trying to be in every shot. Everyone claimed they didn’t care if they were on or not. I don’t believe it for a second.

The other thing that amazed me was the fact that this CBS camera crew sat at the tables drinking coffee while all of the actual set up for the show happened. They were gung ho for the first twenty minutes, taping people working, then they found the coffee and muffins. THey sat for the next hour reading the paper and drinking coffee, while our camera crew set up. When the CBS guys were done eating, they got up to shoot, just as the ESPN camera crew sat down for coffee and muffins.

And that is what you get when you send a TV crew to cover a TV crew.

I’ve been without a cell phone for about a week now. I have to say that I don’t really miss the damn thing. I am convinced that the microwaves from these phones not only promote tumors, but they also turn rational people into complete idiots.

Example: Without fail, there is always at least one moron on a plane that whips out their cell phone as soon as the plane lands, often times before even turning off the runway. These brain damaged zombies immedialetly call some poor soul to inform them, “We’ve just landed! No, I am not even to the gate yet, but gee-whiz, everyone around me knows what an ass I am now! OK, I will call you back in about five minutes when I am in the bathroom!”

Example 2: (I swear this is true) Overheard from a bathroom stall in an airport, from a man with his pants down around his ankles, “Yep, OK, well I have about fifteen minutes before I have to catch my flight, but I’ll call you again as soon as we land.”

All I can say is, Cingular, thank you and your idiotic policies for saving me from becoming one of these zombies.

“Hello, Cingular, how can I help you?”

“Well, my phone stopped working, and I need to get a new one.”

“We can ship one to your house, will someone be there to sign for it?”

“No… Can I give you a different address?”

“Sure.”

I give them the address to the UPS Store where I have an account. The main reason for this account is the store is authorized to sign for my packages, and will gladly forward them to me wherever I happen to be (In the past two weeks, that has included Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Anaheim, San Diego, Seattle and Fort Wayne, Indiana. Needless to say, I am almost never home to sign for a package.)

“Uh, sir, is this a UPS Store? Cingular Policy won’t let us ship there.”

“Why not? They can sign for me and forward the phone.”

“Against policy.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stupid policy. Can you ship the replacement phone to the store I bought it at?”

“Against policy.”

Cingular is a MOBILE PHONE company. You’d think they would realize that people use these MOBILE PHONES away from HOME… Right?

“OK, well what can you do for me then?”

“Give us an alternate address to ship the phone to.”

“But, I already did give you one!”

“Against policy. Give us another address.”

“I don’t really have another one. What are my other alternatives?”

“Buy yourself a brand new phone.”

“Is that really your policy?”

“Yes, sir. Have a nice day.”

OK, now I will accept that dropping my $300 phone into a toilet is my fault. I don’t expect the warranty to cover phones falling into toilets. I bought the life insurance policy to guard against this exact thing… and get a replacement when I do manage to destroy a phone. I don’t expect to be told to buy a brand new one as an alternative. I think this is how Cingular makes all their money, making it too frustrating to get a replacement, people shell out more money for a new one.

And, for this policy, I award Cingular the first ever Frenchy’s Rant “GO FUCK YOURSELF” award. Congratulations!