Frenchy's Rant

All good things must come to an end; and thus, the fun part of the Road to Wrestlemania is sadly over.

For now.

Dark Meat Snack and I returned to the ‘real world’ yesterday, parked the bikes at George Bush Intercontinental Airport, then, as always happens, sat and waited three hours for our delayed flight to New York.

After our press conference at the Hard Rock, we’ll fly back to Houston, then spend the rest of the week drinking… err… I mean… setting up for the WWE Hall of Fame show on Saturday. Wrestlemania is live Sunday from Reliant Stadium, and the show that never ends… continues.

We’re free of our work obligations on Wednesday. The plan is to pick up Sleeping Beauty in Abilene, then head to our yet-unmet friends Dave and Betty at their place, called, Chez Crazy Coyote in Amarillo. Hopefully the ten inches of recent snow they received will have melted by then

This leg of the Road Away From Wrestlemania will conclude in Oklahoma City, where, if she cooperates, we’ll get to meet Little Baby Ooops, Keith’s newest addition to the Expedition team.

And yes, somewhere amidst all this work, I will find time to transcribe all the notes scrawled on napkins, candy bar wrappers and beer bottle lables into yet another yawn-inspiring ride report.

I set the alarm for Too Early O’Clock, because I wanted to watch the sun rise on Zabriskie Point. When the damn thing started ringing, Sniffling Beauty stirred, then announced she felt worse, and wanted to go back to sleep. It was cold, early, and cold. I couldn’t blame her.

The sunrise was nice, but certainly not the overwhelming display of Mother Nature at her finest I expected. Disappointed, I hurried back to the Ranch, because the Sloppy Jalopy club was preparing to make their annual run to Beatty.

Awesome!

We got a late start, which would affect the outcome of the trip, but for now, we decided to make the best of the day, and enjoy Artist’s Drive, Eureka Mine, the Charcoal Kilns and Father Crowley’s Point.

Artist’s Drive

The road to Eureka Mine was an exciting soft-core adventure gravel road. Though not on the right bikes for this kind of riding, Jessica was game for it, so down the dirt road we went.

The Eureka Mine was worth the ‘adventure ride’ to get there.

Eureka Mine – Aguereberry Camp and Rusted Jalopy

From Eureka Mine, it was some more soft-core adventure riding to the Charcoal Kilns, with some hardcore curves and bumps thrown in.

The Wildrose Charcoal Kilns are up a steep gravel road, at about 6500 feet. Snow lined the road as we made our way up there.

Wildrose Charcoal Kilns

From the kilns, it was time to start making tracks. Which we did. In the gravel. We hauled ass down the straight, flatness of Panamint Valley road, stopping for a snack in Panamint Springs.

I have found that on a motorcycle trip, I can eat whatever I want, without fear of those extra calories sticking to my thick middle section. I asked the waitress for my favorite motorcycle food – apple pie. She said all she had was pecan pie, but she could cut up an apple and put it on top.

Fiona, who had been suffering in silence the whole day, started to feel even worse. She is such a trooper, because if I felt as shitty as she did, I’d be whining more than I usually do. She just sat back there and suffered, without saying a word. But she was suffering, so it was time to leave Death Valley.

The ride home was dark and long, but at least it was cold. It was also totally worth it. Even Fiona, feeling as horrible as she did agreed it was a great trip.

Our Entire 940 Mile Trip

Up next? The Road to Wrestlemania. It starts in a few weeks. Finally, Dark Meat Snack will return to riding, as we head from California to Houston, with a few surprises thrown in for good measure.

Until then, Happy Riding!!

The next morning, Fiona felt a little better, which was encouraging. Right off the bat she said, “You know? We don’t have anything to do tomorrow. Why don’t we stay here another day? That way we can see everything without rushing through it.”

Fine by me! I went to the front desk and extended our stay, and booked a surprise for sunset. Without the pressing need to rush, we took our time and relaxed. We all did our hair, our nails and makeup, talked about boys, then had a pillow fight. Traveling with hot chicks is cool!

With our titivating, primping and preening out of the way, we hit the open road, looking for adventure, and whatever comes our way.

We had to share the road with ‘The Toothaches’ – a burly gang of what I imagined were dentist-bikers in full biker regalia.

Our first destination was Rhyolite, an old, haunted ghost town near Beatty, Nevada. Back in 1907, this mining town had a population of five thousand, and boasted electricity, running water, and a railroad. Then, a huge economic crisis hit as greedy assholes started trading derivatives, credit-default swaps and other toxic financial instruments. The boom times soon went bust, and so did Rhyolite. Now, it only has a bunch of ruined buildings, with weird sculptures it’s only residents.

The girls were eager to explore the ruins.

We all had fun with the sculptures.

Not only is there a ghostly sculpture of the Last Supper out there in the middle of the desert, there’s also a huge, rusted miner with a pick axe and… a penguin?

And, if that wasn’t odd enough, there is this little… Lego-like statue… err… thing… sitting out there – whatever else it is, it would be the perfect addition to our little riding group.

Frenchy’s Angels

Leaving Rhyolite, we managed to take the picture we failed to get the night before.

Up next? Scotty’s Castle.

A bell sat at the end of a long rope. Jessica, unable to control herself, just HAD to ring the bell.

Immediately, a dour faced old tour guide biddy in a sad little hat came over to bitch. “You know that bell is to summons the next tour group,” she said. “Now that you rang the bell, you have to do the next tour.”

Uhh.. no we don’t. Instead, in order to pay our respects, we climbed the hill where Walter Scott, the con man who swindled his way into having this castle built, is buried.

These Two Are Troublemakers!

Scotty’s Castle will forever have the distinction of being the place I had the absolute Worst Meal Ever. When starving, judgement can easily get clouded, and something as nasty as a frozen burrito can almost sound appealing. The wrapper had all the necessary warnings, including ‘Previously Handled‘ and ‘Frozen For Your Convenience.‘ Despite these warnings, we ate them anyway.

Trust me when I say that eating anything that was ‘Previously Handled‘ is a bad, bad idea. We lived. Barely.

The excellently named Ubehebe Crater was next on our list.

Death Valley Park is a big place. We had to race back to Furnace Creek Ranch in order to make it in time for our Sunset Surprise.

The surprise? Trading in our hundred-horsepower steeds for a less powerful mode of transportation.

After watching the sun spectacularly dip below Telescope Peak aboard our one horsepower vehicles, we only had a few more thing left to make this Best Day Ever truly complete.

Making up for the horrendous, gut-wrenching lunch, we gorged ourselves full on steak at the Western Steakhouse, then headed out back to look at the most incredible display of the Milky Way I’ve ever seen.

I tried to get a really good circle star trail picture, but the damn sprinklers kept coming on, soaking everything.

And, the best news of all, we had another day to see some of the lesser known sights of Death Valley before heading home.

The final installment of this excellent adventure can be found here.