Frenchy's Rant

This article has to be a joke!

If I read this correctly, NASA, the agency that is tasked with keeping track of everything there is in all the vast reaches of outer space, the people that know when meteor showers and eclipses are going to happen centuries from now, and can guide the Space Shuttle accurately to the ridiculously overpriced space station has somehow managed to lose the original tapes of the very first moon landing.

This is the agency that knows where the two tiny robotic explorers, Spirit and Opportunity, can be found on MARS. NASA also knows what they are doing at every second. This same organization, with a taxpayer supplied budget of over TWO BILLION DOLLARS, has been searching for over a year for the missing lunar landing tapes, and so far has managed to come up with… nothing! In fact, while they were looking, they realized that somehow they were missing SEVEN HUNDRED BOXES of information from the Apollo lunar missions.

Ooops!

NASA’s response to the missing tapes was simply, “We’re looking for paperwork to see where (the tapes) last were.” Great. The rocket scientists over at NASA can’t even find the PAPERWORK that might tell them where the tapes are!

In fact, after their thoroughly exhaustive search, the only evidence they could find of the lunar landers existence is this grainy image:

That has to make those poor guys trapped way up in that space station, seen below (in the only picture NASA has managed to find at this time) feel really good.

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – A major terrorist plot to hijack the popular ‘Frenchy’s Rant’ blog was disrupted in it’s early stages yesterday in the town of Charlottesville. A radical group calling itself ‘The Faithful Fifteen’ was stopped in the first phase of their terrorist operation, before untold damage unfolded.

Senior French Intelligence Director of Blog Security Pierre LePew told the Associated Press due to this major victory over the forces of evil, the term ‘French Intelligence’ is no longer an oxymoron. He added, “Zee French are not always losers, even though if you Google ‘French Military Victories’ and hit zee ‘I Feel Lucky’ button zee following comes up:”

Stopping the so-called Faithful Fifteen extremists before their evil goals were reached proves that even a blind squirrel gets a nut every now and then.

LePew said the plan involved changing the blog’s master password, an e mail redirect, and posting subsequent fraudulent blogs. Officials now believe that the plot was much wider in scope, possibly including a bogus GFY Award to the blog author, who’s postings have dwindled to almost nothing of late.

“Well, what the hell do you want from me?” asked blog owner Marc “Frenchy” Lanciaux, who’s last recent post was a lame picture of Nashville at Night. “I can’t just keep bitching about the same old shit all the time, it gets pretty fucking boring, even to me. I guess some new shit needed to happen, but I never expected this. In hindsight, using ‘PASSWORD’ as my blog password seems very French of me.”

The extremely charismatic and handsome Lanciaux added that either way, the terrorists have made their point. Frenchy’s Rant blog postings have officially resumed. “Now, if I DON’T continue to post, those bastards will definitely win the war on blog terror.”

Jamal Bin-Banditi, the alleged mastermind of the plot was interrogated in an undisclosed location late last night by a joint Blog Terrorist Task Force operative. He confessed that he didn’t act alone, implicating both Tariq Fontessa al-Infinit and the shadowy and mysterious UberGeek in the blog hijacking.

Unconfirmed sources believe the plot may have been partially financed by eccentric billionaire Vince McMahon, though this allegation is so far unconfirmed.

The blog threat alert has temporarily been raised from ‘Perrier‘ to ‘Fromage‘, one step below the most serious condition, ‘Merde!‘ This elevated alert level is expected to last through the week, as authorities can not be sure the hijack terror threat is completely over.

Man how time flies when you take a little blogging break!

It’s already August, the time when most red-blooded Americans start preparing for another season of football, and most blue-blooded terrorists seem to concoct new ways of making air travel even more difficult and unpleasant.

After September 11th, we got a whole new government bureaucracy, the Travel Sucks Agency, or TSA for short. Sure they probably keep us safe, but for a while they treated every person that was flying as if they personally had a hand in bringing down the World Trade Center. Score one for the scumbags.

Then, uber-douchebag Richard Reid tried lighting his laces to blow up a plane with a bomb in his shoes. After that, travelers had no choice but to subject their shoes to a good dose of x-rays, and their feet to a dirty airport floor. Scumbags – two, frequent fliers – zero.

Well, those intrepid little bastards have done it again. Thankfully, those pricks weren’t able to blow up any actual planes. However, since their evil plans included using explosives disguised as common objects, now, anything with liquid or gel is forbidden on aircrafts. Water? Banned. Toothpaste or hair gel? Forget it. Contact lens solution? Nope.

It’s a sad day indeed when deodorant is contraband.

So now, most of us poor, thirsty and dry-eyed passengers will have bad breath and reek of BO. If that isn’t bad enough, since there is gel in K-Y Jelly, joining the Mile-High Club is just became damn near impossible.

Great. Won’t travel be fun now? Score one more for the bad guys.

But all is not lost. Much to the relief of brand-new mothers everywhere, the TSA has generously decided to allow breast milk on planes. I can’t even imagine how long the lines would be if all new mothers had to be milked in the name of security. It’s probably only a matter of time until those clowns come up with exploding breast implants.

To the bastards that just can’t stop making air travel worse, I award the prestigious GFY award. C’mon guys, can’t you just join a fantasy football league or something?

(First day back, TWO GFY awards! Ahhhh!! It’s good to be back!)

You little Uber Bandit bastards!

OK, it’s on now.

For you, my enlightened little hacker friends:

And for the rest of the Faithful Fifteen… yes… posts will resume today.

The Faithful Fifteen have taken control of the Rant!
Please check in soon for some posts… FINALLY!!!