I hate flying. Making a living as a TV production whore, flying is an unavoidable; necessary evil that comes along with the job. There are those among us in the TV production brothel that take flying seriously – VERY seriously. For some, their whole sense of self-worth is defined by their tier of status in their favorite airline’s frequent flier program. Being top tier generally ensures their flabby asses get upgraded to first class, where they can hang out with like minded Bluetooth earpiece wearing zombies and assorted business related douchebags. Top tier status also ensures they can call the super-secret airline hotline 24/7 and whine to some poor bastard who by contract can’t hang up on this ‘valued‘ customer.

Full disclosure: I’ve been a member of Delta’s Ultra-Douche Platinum Preferred tier for about ten years now – though in the silent, I-never-call-the-hotline-and-bitch minority.

Personally, I stopped caring about upgrades about six years ago – perfectly timed with the WWE’s first Tribute to the Troops show. After being packed up and basically Fed-Exed halfway around the world like so many packages of dog food, I realized that even a middle seat on a commercial airline is an upgrade, and certainly not worth the effort it takes to bitch about.

My life became remarkably easier and more relaxed when I stopped caring about the perks of frequent flier status.

Of course, with a fifty-two week a year job taking place in two different cities per week, there’s usually no problem racking up the frequent flier miles, and thus racking up the status. And there are some times when having that status comes in handy. One year the WWE was in Oklahoma, and a huge ice storm hit. Most flights were grounded, but somehow US Airways slid a plane down the runway to rescue the poor, stranded Chairman’s Preferred passengers. Fifty of the fifty-six people on the plane were top tier, and the pilot confirmed the reason US Airways risked sending the plane was because of the unusually high amount of ‘Valued Customers’ (mostly WWE TV Whores) making up the flight. As they say, membership does have its benefits. I’m sure there are other benefits to being a ‘topper,’ but I can’t be bothered to find out.

But still, Ultra-Douche or not, I hate the whole process of flying. So, for a while I did something about that deep seated hatred. I took six weeks off from the drudgery this summer, and rode my trusty Yamaha FJR, Rain Cloud Follows to work.

This was probably the best six weeks of the year for me, at least commute-wise. But for every silver lining, there’s always a kick in the nuts. This month, I calculated that my little flying hiatus created a problem for my ultra-douche status. Without some creative routing on Delta through year’s end, I was going to end 2008 with about 97,000 frequent flier miles – 3000 miles short of the 100,000 mile Ultra-Douche threshold.

So, in booking the last month of 2008’s travel, I had to make a decision. Take the most direct flights and lose that top tier, don’t-worry-we’ll-send-a-plane-for-you-no-matter-what status, or take some less-direct Delta flights and earn the necessary 3000 miles. For the sake of ease next year, I chose the second option.

Yes, the lovely Deltalina had a lot to do with my decision.

Of course, being ignorant of most of the benefits of Delta Ultra-Douchidness, I was also unaware at some point Delta lowered the threshold to 75,000 miles, meaning I already qualified as a 2009 Ultra-Douche, sometime back in September! Fuck!

The bottom line is for the rest of the month I’ll be doing the very thing I hate most – taking a lot of unnecessary extra flights to pay for my ignorance. Ah well.

At least I’ll have Deltalina’s wagging finger to look forward to, proving that for every kick in the nuts, there is a silver lining.

Author: frenchy

2 Responses to “Frequent Flyer”

1. Marco Polo says:

   December 19, 2008 at 1:57 PM

   Sounds like the douche-o-meter is getting a workout here…..dangerously high levels of douchosity!

   Fly on in all of your Ultra-Douchedness!!!! I feel your pain, brother!!!!

   Reply
2. pyrojohn says:

   December 18, 2008 at 7:32 AM

   Frenchy

   To bad we can’t get rider miles on the bike I need and upgrade. Great blogging be cool my friend. (ex tv travel whore) Say hi to our little brown buddy.
   Pyrojohn

   Reply