I wrote and mailed this letter today.

Honestly.

If I get a response, I will be sure and post it.

August 26, 2008

His Highness Governor Donald L. Carcieri
Office of the Governor
State House, Room 115
Providence, RI 02903

Your Excellency,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Frenchy, intrepid motorcycling adventurer, lifelong loyal subject of the Kingdom of Rhode Island and, most recently, self-appointed Rhode Island Ambassador of Goodwill. Since April of this year I have been leading a small band of adventurers on a mission to spread Rhode Island’s message of ‘Hope’ to other islands, claiming them for our non-island Kingdom in the process.

As you know, our state is not only the smallest in the entire United States, but it is sort of a laughingstock among all the other, bigger states. Our dirty little secret; the fact that we are not, technically speaking, an island, is out. By claiming real islands for our Kingdom, I hope to earn the respect and credibility our tiny state deserves.

My method of island claiming is completely non-violent; in most cases inhabitants of these islands don’t even know they’ve been claimed. I claim these places by simply placing a Rhode Island flag sticker on the ‘Welcome to…’ sign of the territories I am visiting. While I haven’t checked the exact legal ramifications of this, I am pretty sure affixing the seal of the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations to a Welcome sign makes them ours. Thus far, I have claimed Scotland (now Rhode Scotland); Nova Scotia (now Rhode Scotia); Newfoundland (now Rhodefoundland) and, in a somewhat misguided move, Tennessee, which, it turns out, isn’t an island either.

Rhode Scotland – Claimed April, 2008

Rhode Scotia – Claimed June, 2008

Rhodefoundland – Claimed June, 2008

Tennessee – Claimed July, 2008.
Unclaimed July 2008

Besides informing you of these recent acquisitions to our Great State, I am writing to ask a favor. Self appointed ambassadors don’t seem to get the same respect that real, honest to goodness ambassadors would. Due to limited funds, our small group is usually forced to stay in, to put it delicately, very low-priced, very sanitationally questionable, unambassadorial accommodations.

However, with official papers proclaiming me an official Goodwill Ambassador of the Kingdom of Rhode Island, I think I could probably score better hotel rooms, maybe even some free ones. Ambassadors also have legal immunity, don’t they? If you deem my humble request worthy, please make my ambassadorship retroactive to May of this year, so I can have immunity from that large bar tab I may (or may not) have left behind in Rhode Scotia. I am still hazy on whether that got settled or not.

As you are no doubt aware, a sound fiscal policy is the key to running any good operation, whether it is a household, a motorcycle trip or even a state as great as Rhode Island. Therefore, a grant or state funded subsidy to help defray costs of mounting new expeditions to other islands – Japan, Trinidad, Australia, and New Zealand to name a few – would ensure our ongoing Goodwill Ambassador work will continue uninterrupted.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Frenchy
Future Ambassador
Kingdom of Rhode Island

PS: As Exalted Ruler of the Kingdom of Rhode Island, I am sure your time is very valuable, and free time is scarce, but if you ever should find you have some unused sick days or even some vacation time, and you would like to come along on one of our Goodwill missions, please know that you will always have a seat in my sidecar.

Author: frenchy