Dear Seat 3A Occupant on the way to Atlanta,

Hi,

I’m the guy that was scrunched up against the aisle armrest in the seat next to you, trying desparately not to get smothered by your encroachment. You know, the guy in the baseball cap that you outweigh by a factor of five? Seriously,I know the middle armrest is shared territory, but sir, it is an ARMREST, not a love handle holder, for crying out loud!!

The knowing looks I received from the flight attendants made me realize that your upgrade must have been mass related. Let’s face it, there is no way your girth would fit into a coach seat, even with a shoe horn.

I also wanted to comment on the pointlessness of you asking for a Diet Coke. Draino might be a better beverage choice. I was afraid to fall asleep next to you, in case you suddenly yelled “Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum” and ground my bones to make your bread. But seriously, even if you had decided to devour me, I doubt I’d even made a dent in your appetite.

I have never seen a person require TWO seat belt extensions to strap in. You realize that the rest of the plane was denied the critical “buckle and unbuckle” demonstration, thanks to you. I bet my luggage was left behind so that we could accomodate you and still have the plane’s weights and balances balance.

The “whoosh whoosh” of your labored breathing forced me to shove my earplugs in so deep that I may need forceps to extract them. Thankfully those earplugs saved me from the freight train like snoring you serenaded the rest of the plane with when you nodded off..

Yes, all of this sounds like petty bashing, and sir, maybe it is. I realize that you are probably a good person. In fact, I would’ve suffered in crushed silence and not mentioned a word about any of it, if you hadn’t done it. When you lifted your enormous ass off your seat and let out that enormous, reeking fart,… well sir, that pushed me over the edge.

I almost wish I had an extra set of earplugs for my nostrils.

Author: frenchy