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Airline Safety Part Four
Part four of the continuing series of airline safety captions:
To practice safe flying, hold tip and unroll to base of airplane, leaving empty space for reservoir tip.
In the event of a water landing, don’t think about how many farts have soaked into your seat cushion.
If you end up sitting next to these twins, you have NOT won the seat lottery.
WINNER!!
Out of a possible ten, four style points are awarded for creative exiting.
Dear Zildjian
Avedis Zildjian Company
International Headquarters
Dear Mr. Zildjian,
I have been an enthusiastic user of your cymbals, drumsticks, hats and T-shirts since the beginning of my drumming career at age eight.
Recently I have noticed a disturbing breakage problem, which concerns me greatly. Lately, your wood tip drumsticks (size 5A) have a tendency to break after minimal use. Sometimes a new pair of sticks doesn’t even make through the cool drum fills in ‘Tom Sawyer’
As a long time user of these drumsticks, I can assure you this is a fairly recent problem. Even more alarming, I have noticed small cracks in two of my cymbals, each in the same place.
Is it possible that playing cymbals with broken sticks also breaks the cymbals? Perhaps sympathy cracking? Zildjian has always stood for quality to me, even after Neil Peart sold out and went over to Sabian (the dark side, in my opinion.)
I wanted to make you – faithful cymbalsmiths – aware of this problem before it becomes an epidemic. Please don’t force me to the dark side.
Sincerely,
Frenchy
Former Drummer of ‘Triton’
Technical Difficulties
Backlash, last night’s WWE Pay Per View was nearly taken off the air in the middle of the show.
After his match, the 7 foot tall, 500 pound Big Show stepped outside the arena for a few minutes. Maybe to make a phone call, or just get a breath of air. Who knows?
Stopping for a moment, he sat down on the bumper of the satellite truck. Suddenly, the door flew open. “What the fuck is… HEY! SIR! GET OFF THE BUMPER!“
All the extra weight on one side of the truck jarred the dish, practically knocking the Pay Per View off the satellite.
Dear Playboy Magazine
Dear Playboy,
Recently, I had the pleasure of looking at one of your magazines. Really, it was just to read the articles, some of which were quite good.
I couldn’t help but notice there were several completely naked women in the magazine as well. The fact these girls were appearing in their birthday suits didn’t bother me in the least. This is the year 2006 after all! But what DID bother me is the – I’m not sure how to describe this – almost…. well… “plastic” look of these girls.
Recently, I have started working with a computer program called Photoshop. I was thinking a program such as this could help these unfortunate plastic-looking women appear more realistic.
In fact, I would be more than happy to apply for a full time job working with naked women or fixing their pictures.
I can start anytime!
Sincerely,
Frenchy
Photoshop Expert
Doh!
This story is second hand so it may not be entirely accurate, and the names have been changed to protect the mentally numb…
Once upon a time there was a guy named Jonathan Evian (not his real name). He worked on one of the many ESPN NBA crews, all of which are quite busy during the playoff season. After working a late night show, Jon (again, not his real name, but pretty close.) took a cab to the airport early the next morning. On the plane flying to the next city, he looked over his hotel bill and noticed something strange.
A charge for valet parking.
The moral of this story could be “Always check your bill before checking out.” This is fine if you don’t actually have a rental car, which poor Mr. Evian, sitting at the gate waiting for his flight, suddenly remembered he did.
The real moral of this story is, “If you are a dumbass, keep it to yourself.“
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