Having flown a few hundred million times, I have nearly the entire ‘Pre-Flight Safety Briefing’ memorized. You know that useless spiel contrived to inform half-wits on such important subjects as the proper method of seat belt buckling (put the flat end in the metal buckle, to release, simply pull up on the metal flap, duh), where the oxygen masks will come from and what to do with them if the plane suddenly loses cabin pressure (masks will fall from the panel over head, secure your own mask before helping others) and my favorite; what to do in the ‘unlikely event of a water landing’ (you’re gonna drown sucker!)

The other day I had the misfortune of flying that Great Greyhound Bus of the skies, Southwest Airlines. The low cost fares and lottery-like seating appeal mostly to the ‘Fly-to-Vegas-drunk-and-come-home-drunker’ crowd. Most times when I fly I completely tune out the safety briefing. I know that if we crash I won’t remember a word of what they are saying anyway, so I try to do something useful before takeoff, like look over the wings for huge cracks or rust spots, or inspect the cabin for billowing smoke – because you never know if they got a bad batch of crystal meth down in the aircraft maintenance shop.

During my personal pre-flight inspection on this Southwest airplane, the safety briefing started. But it wasn’t the usual scripted crap, the in-flight leader (or whatever they call themselves these days) was putting on an improv show, and, out of the hundred million or so of these time wasters that I have endured, this one was the best so far:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I need three minutes of your attention. My ex-wife and my girlfriend are now in the aisle to help demonstrate some of the safety equipment of this aircraft. Now, don’t worry, we don’t plan to have to actually use any of this stuff today. If we did, we would have all called in sick! To fasten your seatbelt, put THIS thing in THAT thing until it clicks. Got it? Good, Y’all seem pretty bright. I knew you would. Moving on. Please note that there are six emergency exits on this aircraft. If we have to use them, just listen for my voice outside, because I will be the first one out of the plane, along with the film crew. In the unlikely event of a water landing, a HIGHLY unlikely event considering we are flying from Texas to California, we’ll all know that our pilot got lost. Grab your seat cushion, and once you’ve stopped screaming, make your way to the nearest usable exit, realizing that it may end up above you. In the unlikely event of the plane losing cabin pressure, party masks will fall from the sky. Since we are heading to California, and we all know that in California ‘It’s all about me’ put your own mask on first. If you are traveling with a child, and you feel that child shows promise, then help that child with the party mask after securing your own. One more thing. Don’t smoke on this plane. There is a smoke detector in the lavatory. Don’t break it. If you do, you’ll get a federally mandated $2000 fine. And we all know that if you had that kind of money to throw away, you’d be flying Delta or American Airlines, not Southwest. Now my lovely assistants will walk up and down the aisle one more time to show you their armpits before we go. Thanks for your attention.”

Author: frenchy

2 Responses to “Pre Flight Safety”

1. Anonymous says:

   August 29, 2007 at 7:06 AM

   hey tami from memory they do seem to have a problem hitting the brakes when landing at burbank.

   Reply
2. Tami says:

   July 27, 2007 at 2:30 PM

   hahaha, quit knocking my favorite airline!! The greyhound of the skys, you’re mean. What you wrote your blog about is exactly why they are my favorite. In fact, I’m sure I’ve had that crew, that sounded very familiar. One time they passed out peanuts by sending the basket down the slope during the climb and told people this was their only chance to grab them. SWA may be cheap, but at least they have a sense of humor and they have never had a crash. I’m not a fan of all the stuffy, snobby, give you the look of death when you ask for a pillow attendants on those fancy airlines. I’ll take a Texas based company any day!

   Reply