Before

Spring has officially arrived. I know this because the soft top for my new Jeep, the one I ordered three months ago, finally came in. I had a few hours before my flight today, so I decided, what the hell, I’d install it. How hard could it be? With good directions, some decent tools and a lot of patience, this would be a snap.

Sadly, I lacked every single one of those requirements.

Bad Directions

My First Toolbox by Playskool, with Hi Dollar, Hi Tech Screwdriver

My toolbox falls somewhere between Play Skool and a Big Red Box ‘o Junk. Half of the wrenches and screwdrivers are missing, and the only Philips Head screwdriver I could find came from ‘My First Toolbox’, a Chirstmas gift when I was six.

Don’t Forget the Fully Articulated Splined Augmentation Shaft!!

Why do they create incredibly complex names for all the pieces? I mean, Mopar made theses things, right? Why not call them Bent Bar with One Hole, Bent Bar with TWO Holes, Black Thing with Hinge, Silver Screw, ect? Or even better yet, just number them. Part One, gets two screws (Part Two) that are slotted into Part Three. That would be WAY too simple.

My other problem with these types of things is I am spatially challenged. It’s true. There was a test in high school with all these different shapes, and I had to guess what three dimentional solid the flat shapes would fold into. I think I got one question right out of one hundred, almost dooming me to a career of truck driving. Thankfully there is no folding involved in audio engineering!

Mopar’s installation manual was eerily similar to that test, and filled me with the same apprehension and dread. The directions show a drawing of parts being installed, but because of my condition, I know that there are really up to FOUR different ways to install a Rear Bow Assembly to a Header Assembly. I usually try them all to find the one I like best, even if it involves drilling.

Then I take it apart when I realize that not only won’t it fit, but I probably destroyed it.

Pivot Knuckle with T-5.192003 Pivot Bracket Bolt (bloody knuckles not included)

To attach the Reticulating Arm Pivot Knuckle Holder to the Driver’s Side Adventure Sport Bar (I am sure Mopar’s lawyers put an end to calling it a ‘Roll Bar’ a LONG time ago) requires a Pivot Bracket Bolt. Theses damned bolts have a star-shaped head. From an earlier experience with motorcycle repair, I should have remembered that if you don’t use the EXACTLY right size wrench – which conveniently come in helpful sizes like T-4, T-30 and T-8125 – you’ll either skin your knuckle, or worse, snap the head right off the bolt. Don’t ask how I know. It took a real mechanic five hours to drill that snapped bolt out of the motorcycle.

After a few choice curse words, I made it to Step 11. This step should be marked with a red exclamation point in a yellow triangle, or better yet, a skull and crossbones. Now they want me (mind you, I am an audio engineer) to take a power tool and MAKE HOLES in my brand new Jeep. I knew I should have had a beer for breakfast.

Additional Vent Holes Installed

After attaching, uninstalling, folding, spindling, drilling and re-attching every single part multiple times, I finally finished installing the soft top. Final Tally: Three hours, Four “God Dammits!“‘ Seventeen “Shits!” and one “Motherfucking Cocksucking Piece of Fucking SHIT!” later, the job was complete. I also turned a set of twenty five confusing and poorly written instructions into almost fifty steps.

After, Top Down, Ready to Fly (Off)

For all that work and cursing, my Jeep now has a soft top, and I am officially ready for summer to begin. I’m not too sure how ready I am to try and drive the soft topped Jeep however, because I’m afraid I missed a step or two, and the top might fly off onto the highway.

Thank you Mopar for putting the F-U in fun!

Author: frenchy