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Zombified – October 7, 2005
Zombies. The world is full of them.
Today, I felt like an extra in “Day of the Dead.” Stopped for gas on the way to the airport. The gas pump credit card reader wasn’t working, so I had to
There I was, standing in front of this guy, money in hand, and all he could do was stare at me in dumb amazement. I could see his thoughts struggling to develop. “Uhh… what is this person doing in here with money in hand? What is this strange device with numbers on it in front of me? Why, it is full of money! How did the money get there? Wait a minute… Where am I?” He honestly took about three minutes to process the fact that I was there to actually PAY for fuel. With a far away and confused look, he finally took my money. I walked away positive that his lobotomy was a success, and I am happy for that.
Then I checked in for my flight. These days you don’t actually deal with a person when you check in, you touch a screen. If you have a bag to check, you bring it to one of the few remaining gate agents to have the bag tagged. I walked over to present my bag, and greeted the agent with a cheerful, “Hello!”
She replied, “Good.”
Good? What the hell?? The only thing that’s “good” is the mystery of why my luggage always gets lost has been solved once and for all. Zombies have taken control!
First Class is a zombie haven. I don’t know if it is the changes in pressurization or if it is the used jet engine oil they use to make coffee, but there is a serious zombie problem up front. It’s possible that Blackberrys and cell phones emit dumb rays, killing brain cells until their owners are completely zombified.
I watched as one important zombie, eager to be first in First Class, pushed his way in front of an elderly woman, rolled his two enormous suitcases over three people, and bashed two others zombies in the head with his backpack as he claimed his seat in Zombie Class. The amazing thing was he managed all that while talking on his cell phone!
Bigger seats equal bigger asses, in more ways than one.
At least airlines cater to the zombies, thoughtfully providing instructions on correct operation of a seatbelt for example. (Attention, brain dead people! To operate your seatbelt, place the metal buckle into the fitting. To release, pull up on the tab… Don’t worry if you couldn’t figure this out without assistance, you can always become a gas station attendant!)
Maybe it is fortunate that passengers aren’t attentive. The “safety features” on an aircraft would be truly frightening if anyone actually thought about them. “In case of a change in cabin pressurization, oxygen masks will fall from the overhead compartment. The bag does not need to inflate…”
Hello? A change in pressurization would most likely mean there is a HOLE in the AIRPLANE, and a inflating bag would be the very least of our worries!!
As I was leaving the plane, the flight attendants were vacantly thanking everyone for enduring another trip on their airline. “Bye, thanks for flying Delta, sir!”
With a smirk I replied, “Good.”
Author: frenchy
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