Frenchy's Rant

Last night on the Riverwalk, I asked a few locals why the river was nearly empty. Here are their answers:

Bartender in Mad Dog’s: “Well, all the fish mysteriously died last week, and were found floating with green and red stripes around their heads. They drained the river to find out why.”

Waitress at Landry’s Seafood Restaurant: “Oh, they always drain it right after New Years to clean out all the chairs and baby strollers (?).”

Bartender at Landry’s: “Dredging for two people that are still missing after New Years.”

Hotel Concierge: “They’re doing some bridge repairs up the river.”

Bum under bridge: “What river? Spare some change? I like drugs. “

Ahh… San Antonio, home of The Alamo, The 2005 NBA Championship Winning Spurs, and a Toilet Seat Art Museum. Any city that could combine all these things would be considered great. But there’s one attraction in San Antonio, the world famous Riverwalk, (and especially Mad Dog’s British Pub on the Riverwalk) that has earned San Antonio the coveted Frenchy’s Rant Number-One-Favorite-City-Of-All-Time award.

My love for San Antonio started years ago, during the first (and so far only) Global X Games. What were the Global X Games? Well, among other things, they were a great excuse for me to live in San Antonio for a week, and appreciate the Riverwalk every night.

So appreciate the Riverwalk we did. Mad Dog’s became a nightly stop, enjoying cold Guinness in an authentic Irish pub served by mini-kilt wearing waitresses. Not a bad way to start the night. Ever.

The first night, after Mad Dog’s closed, we ended up in a place called The Tequila Rose. After enjoying the atmosphere of this dive bar, with its smoke-filled ambiance, many local waiters and waitresses from the Riverwalk unwinding after a long day of work, lousy local bands and of course tequila, we were in no condition to walk back to the hotel. We decided we were far too lost and needed a taxi to take us home. Stumbling outside, I hailed one and slurred to the driver where we needed to go. He laughed and took us on a very short trip. It turned out our hotel was located directly across the river from The Tequila Rose! Our entire cab ride took us two minutes and cost two dollars.

Every night was very similar to that first night, always starting at Mad Dog’s and somehow ending at the lovely Ms. Rose’s establishment. The last night we stayed out later than usual. After last call at Mad Dog’s, most headed back to the hotel. I decided to head to The Tequila Rose for one final cocktail, just at closing time. By the time I’d arrived, they were putting the bar stools up, but I figured being somewhat of a semi-regular, I could probably get one final drink. But first, I needed to make some “room” for that drink, so I went to the rest room.

Upon finishing, I tried to leave. Something was definitely wrong. For sure, I had a lot of Guinness that night, but I know I wasn’t all that bad. I’m (almost) positive there was no door knob on the inside of the bathroom door, and thus there was no way to get out! Trying not to panic, I started pounding on the door, not realizing the bar was nearly empty and nobody could hear me. I eventually had to call a friend to come rescue me, much to my embarrassment.

The call went something like this:

“Hey, I need a favor… Yeah, just listen… I am down at The Tequila Rose, and… I’m… well… I’m stuck in the fucking bathroom… Yeah, I’m sure I am stuck, there is no fucking doorknob! Just get down here quick and let me out before they lock up for the night! It’s directly across from the hotel!!”

Fortunately, I was saved that night. Unfortunately, The Tequila Rose went out of business shortly after. There is no way of knowing if their closure was bathroom doorknob related.

So, how could such an awesome place Dr. Pepper me? Easy. Drain almost all of the river that makes up the “river” part of the Riverwalk, and let the mud dry up until it reeks like low tide at the New Jersey shore. Notice the mud visible on the right side of this picture.

At least Mad Dog’s is still open. If it wasn’t… San Antonio and the nearly river-less Riverwalk would have definitely received the other coveted Frenchy’s Rant award.

I think its interesting that the word “Resolution” is made up of the words “Re” which can mean to do over, and “solution”, which means to solve a problem. I seem to make the same re-solutions every year, which is why the word is so fitting.

Here are my same old New Year’s Re-solutions for this year:

1) Stop drinking beer. – -Lasted a whopping 13 hours. I am suprised I made it that long. But I can quit at any time!!

2) Stop eating after 8 PM – – Lasted a day.

3) Stop spilling food on my shirt – – Also lasted a day, and was broken at the same time Resolution Number 2 was.

4) See something, ANYTHING AT ALL in my new telescope.

5) Put 2006 million dollars away for retirement — right now I am exactly 1/200,006,000,000 of the way there!

6) Ride across the country, ride from my home in Rhode Island to Nova Scotia, from Los Angeles to Cabo San Lucas, ride in a foreign country that begins with the letter “I“, take more dirt bike lessons with MotoVentures, take racing lessons on the Las Vegas Speedway, and write interesting blogs, journals and maybe even a book about each and every trip.

7) Grow to be six feet tall.

8) Not make any more stupid re-solutions.

Happy New Year!

Operation Walk Tall is one of those things that you never hear about. It was started by soldiers in Afghanistan. It provides shoes and clothes for children. . If you have any extra shoes or clothes sitting around, and a few bucks to send them over, it might make a difference to a kid that needs it most.

A holiday wish I received today and wanted to pass on.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice (with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice such traditions at all).*