Frenchy's Rant

Dear Seat 2A Occupant on the way to Seattle,

Sir,

I have been sitting next to you for nearly three hours, and I am now positive of it… the awful smell that has been assaulting my nostrils since I boarded is, in fact, you! At first I thought it might have been me, perhaps that unfortunate foot funk problem had returned, or even worse, my new jacket had absorbed some of the fart wind from my previous seat mate. Then I started to think maybe someone had opened a container of five day old milk with lots of fresh dog shit in it.

When you got up to go to the bathroom, I realized that smell went with you. Thank God for the break. Unfortunately there is still three hours to go!

Did you notice I spent almost an hour breathing through my shirt? That’s what your rotting stench reduced me to, using my clothing as breathing apparatus. Believe me, if I knew how to make those oxygen masks drop, I would’ve hit that button in heartbeat!

How on earth can you not know you smell like a sick dog’s dirty ass? Have you noticed that dogs go CRAZY when you come around? Trust me, it ain’t because you are their best friend. Smelling like you do, there is just no way a canine could ignore you.

If they would let me, I would gladly spend the remaining two hours in the bathroom, because it was less odorific, if that is even a word.

I would continue this letter, but your stench has made me nauseous. I just hope that rotting smell of yours isn’t leprosy, because that shit is contagious…

Dear Seat 3A Occupant on the way to Atlanta,

Hi,

I’m the guy that was scrunched up against the aisle armrest in the seat next to you, trying desparately not to get smothered by your encroachment. You know, the guy in the baseball cap that you outweigh by a factor of five? Seriously,I know the middle armrest is shared territory, but sir, it is an ARMREST, not a love handle holder, for crying out loud!!

The knowing looks I received from the flight attendants made me realize that your upgrade must have been mass related. Let’s face it, there is no way your girth would fit into a coach seat, even with a shoe horn.

I also wanted to comment on the pointlessness of you asking for a Diet Coke. Draino might be a better beverage choice. I was afraid to fall asleep next to you, in case you suddenly yelled “Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum” and ground my bones to make your bread. But seriously, even if you had decided to devour me, I doubt I’d even made a dent in your appetite.

I have never seen a person require TWO seat belt extensions to strap in. You realize that the rest of the plane was denied the critical “buckle and unbuckle” demonstration, thanks to you. I bet my luggage was left behind so that we could accomodate you and still have the plane’s weights and balances balance.

The “whoosh whoosh” of your labored breathing forced me to shove my earplugs in so deep that I may need forceps to extract them. Thankfully those earplugs saved me from the freight train like snoring you serenaded the rest of the plane with when you nodded off..

Yes, all of this sounds like petty bashing, and sir, maybe it is. I realize that you are probably a good person. In fact, I would’ve suffered in crushed silence and not mentioned a word about any of it, if you hadn’t done it. When you lifted your enormous ass off your seat and let out that enormous, reeking fart,… well sir, that pushed me over the edge.

I almost wish I had an extra set of earplugs for my nostrils.

One way to get ahead in television is to show up on time, have a good attitude, work hard, do the best you can, and get noticed by the right people for consistently doing a good job.

The ability to read minds, admit you were wrong when you were right, and willingness to volunteer for extra duties don’t hurt either.

Just be careful what you volunteer for. For example, you never know how much extra work you might be in for if you “volunteer” to distribute all five hundred and nine boxes of Girl Scout cookies that you “volunteered” to sell to the crew for the boss’s daughters.

While it remains to be seen if this is the fast track to a promotion, at least it IS a proven way to earn a “Cookie Mom” badge!

I love slow news days!

I heard this on CNN this afternoon, and though it was so funny I wanted to share it.

If it was on TV, it MUST be true, right?

1) What are the people of Planet Football doing now that the Fed-Ex Home Depot Wendy’s Built Ford Tough Campbell’s Soup Fiesta and Toilet Bowl (Sponsored by Ty-Dee-Bowl) season is finally over?

2) Is getting into a vehicle that weighs more than a house and going over six miles into thin air an act of faith or stupidity?

3) Do basketball fans really believe it when they watch a mediocre NBA team consistently come back from a twenty or more point deficit at half time to tie the game with two minutes to go?

4) How many other people in the world can give their boss a chair shot in a video game?

5) Would the unemployment rate be better or worse if more people could?

6) Since they are both essentially made of the same material, which is more valuable, a ten dollar bill or a roll of toilet paper?

7) How pompous is it of me to link to my earlier blogs?

8) Will I ever finish writing my Afghanistan Journal, or for that matter the Little Rock riding journal I started in September? What the hell is taking me so long?

9) Why do hotel doormen cheerfully offer to carry my luggage the last fifty feet to my room when I had to lug it for the first fifteen hundred miles?

10) Why is it that cheap hotels have free parking, free high speed internet and fifty cable channels, and the expensive ones charge $30 a night to park, $9.99 for high speed internet and usually have five cable channels?

11) And for that matter, how do the expensive hotels get away with charging guests for TOLL FREE calls?

12) If Global Warming is a fairly recent phenomenon, how come the last Ice Age ended over eleven thousand years ago?

13) Flight or Invisibility?

14) Are anti-virus companies actually reponsible for creating the worst computer viruses, just so they can fix them a few days later?

15) If not, why do they always hire the kids that supposedly DO write the worst viruses? What exactly do those kids end up doing?

16) If it takes light four hundred years to reach Earth from the Pleadies, would people looking at our planet tonight from the Pleadies see Earthlings running around in powdered wigs?

17) How come every time you see a microphone in a movie, you ALWAYS hear feedback immediately?

18) On the same subject, is it believable that all female nuclear scientists in the movies are also bikini models?

19) Who are the 906 people that have looked at this web page, and if 900 people have read the blog, why hasn’t anyone sent me any e-mail?

20) Why doesn’t the spell checker on blogger.com recognize the word “blog”?