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Saddlesore Day!
I had a little trouble with the goofy eBay camera trigger I bought for the trip, but I finally got the damn thing to work:
Pittsburgh is a fun city, with a lot of bridges.
Our plan was to take it easy today, thus the late start. We got on the highway, which is good for two things. One, getting from place to place as efficiently as possible, and two, to bore people senseless.
When faced with a day of tedium, you have to invent your fun when you can. For example, when was the last time you passed a gigantic strawberry on the highway?
As we were cruising along, I noticed a cluster of four motorcycle headlights coming up behind us. They were riding faster than us, so we pulled over to let them pass. Out of habit, I waved, then realized my mistake.
The bikers were Outlaws, most likely riding to Milwaukee for the Harley hundred fifth anniversary, or possibly to go rape, plunder and pillage an unsuspecting town. When I waved, the lead Outlaw looked at me with the same look of contempt that I give to scooter riders that make the mistake of giving me the rider wave.
Needless to say, I didn’t bother to snap their picture, because I want to live to ride another day.
At lunch Abi and I decided that if we were to start our own motorcycle gang, we’d call it the Inlaws. And we would wave at everyone, except scooter riders. They’d get the finger.
Ohio allows triple decker train trucks on the highway, which is a pretty scary thing. These gigantic vehicles are hard to pass, and weave around like snakes on the highway.
We stopped in a rest area to grab a quick lunch, and my ever-so-thoughtful riding partner gave me a gift:
It’s a flattened penny that says, ‘Cleveland West Lighthouse’. Abi handed it to me and said, “There you go. Now we don’t have to stop there.”
What a guy!
One thing Ohio has is corn. A LOT of corn. We must have passed at least five-trillion, seven-hundred-billion, fifty million ears of corn on that flat, boring highway.
And barns. Lots of barns. Naturally. Where else would you put all that corn?
While riding on this straight, flat, boring highway, my mind began to wander (as it often does, boring highway or not) I started to think to myself; if only I could figure out a way to make something really useful out of corn, like whisky or cigars, I could move to Ohio and become a billionaire.
The highway, consistently flat straight and boring led us straight from Ohio and straight into Indiana.
Indiana has the most unique animal warning system I’ve ever encountered. All along the highway are these solar powered sensor devices, spaced every couple hundred feet or so to warn of animals in the road.
My mind wandered again. I couldn’t help but wonder if a good old fashioned analog fence wouldn’t work just as well…
We arrived in Elkhart, Indiana at five PM, happy to be off the road early, so we can rest up for tomorrow; ‘The Big Day’ when we attempt to ride one thousand more miles through more corn fields to Rapid City, South Dakota.
Should be interesting… hopefully.
Track our progress on the SPOT tracker page, and leave us some comments!
Good Enough for Government Work
I wrote and mailed this letter today.
Honestly.
If I get a response, I will be sure and post it.
August 26, 2008
His Highness Governor Donald L. Carcieri
Office of the Governor
State House, Room 115
Providence, RI 02903
Your Excellency,
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Frenchy, intrepid motorcycling adventurer, lifelong loyal subject of the Kingdom of Rhode Island and, most recently, self-appointed Rhode Island Ambassador of Goodwill. Since April of this year I have been leading a small band of adventurers on a mission to spread Rhode Island’s message of ‘Hope’ to other islands, claiming them for our non-island Kingdom in the process.
As you know, our state is not only the smallest in the entire United States, but it is sort of a laughingstock among all the other, bigger states. Our dirty little secret; the fact that we are not, technically speaking, an island, is out. By claiming real islands for our Kingdom, I hope to earn the respect and credibility our tiny state deserves.
My method of island claiming is completely non-violent; in most cases inhabitants of these islands don’t even know they’ve been claimed. I claim these places by simply placing a Rhode Island flag sticker on the ‘Welcome to…’ sign of the territories I am visiting. While I haven’t checked the exact legal ramifications of this, I am pretty sure affixing the seal of the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations to a Welcome sign makes them ours. Thus far, I have claimed Scotland (now Rhode Scotland); Nova Scotia (now Rhode Scotia); Newfoundland (now Rhodefoundland) and, in a somewhat misguided move, Tennessee, which, it turns out, isn’t an island either.
Rhode Scotland – Claimed April, 2008
Rhode Scotia – Claimed June, 2008
Rhodefoundland – Claimed June, 2008
Tennessee – Claimed July, 2008. Unclaimed July 2008
Besides informing you of these recent acquisitions to our Great State, I am writing to ask a favor. Self appointed ambassadors don’t seem to get the same respect that real, honest to goodness ambassadors would. Due to limited funds, our small group is usually forced to stay in, to put it delicately, very low-priced, very sanitationally questionable, unambassadorial accommodations.
However, with official papers proclaiming me an official Goodwill Ambassador of the Kingdom of Rhode Island, I think I could probably score better hotel rooms, maybe even some free ones. Ambassadors also have legal immunity, don’t they? If you deem my humble request worthy, please make my ambassadorship retroactive to May of this year, so I can have immunity from that large bar tab I may (or may not) have left behind in Rhode Scotia. I am still hazy on whether that got settled or not.
As you are no doubt aware, a sound fiscal policy is the key to running any good operation, whether it is a household, a motorcycle trip or even a state as great as Rhode Island. Therefore, a grant or state funded subsidy to help defray costs of mounting new expeditions to other islands – Japan, Trinidad, Australia, and New Zealand to name a few – would ensure our ongoing Goodwill Ambassador work will continue uninterrupted.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Frenchy
Future Ambassador
Kingdom of Rhode Island
PS: As Exalted Ruler of the Kingdom of Rhode Island, I am sure your time is very valuable, and free time is scarce, but if you ever should find you have some unused sick days or even some vacation time, and you would like to come along on one of our Goodwill missions, please know that you will always have a seat in my sidecar.
Pittsburgh to ???
Over some frothy pints of Guinness a few weeks ago, my riding buddy Abi and I sketched out an epic cross country route on a cocktail napkin. The enthusiastic ride plan we concocted will take us from Pittsburgh (which was marked by some spilled Guinness) out to South Dakota (delineated by a knotted cherry stem) then angling southwest through Salt Lake (represented by a pepper shaker, because there was no salt shaker handy) and finally to California (which was actually slightly off the napkin, if I remember correctly.)
According to Google Maps, our planned route should be about 3500 miles, give or take a few. Fiona, aka Sleeping Beauty will be meeting us in Salt Lake City to sleep her way southwest on the back of my bike.
Of course there was the small matter of getting the motorcycles out to Pittsburgh. After a long and circuitous route, our motorcycles took a week off in Norfolk, VA, the home of the world’s largest naval base, and coincidentally, the home of my brother as well.
On Saturday, Abi and I flew into Norfolk, loaded up the motorcycles, and started heading towards da ‘Burgh.
My nephew wanted to come along. I told him when he’s a little older he’s more than welcome, if his Mom will allow it.
The fourth picture in my growing ‘Start of the Epic Ride‘ photo series.
We got on the road around three, and hammered our way across Virginia. Our plan was to end up in the City of Many Bridges around 6 on Sunday, plenty of time to catch our 8:45 PM flight to work. The WWE shows this week are in Wilkes-Barre and Pittsburgh, which is why we parked the motorcycles in Steeler City. This way, if we decide we want to quit on Tuesday, (or get fired) we’ll have a ride home. And if not, we can make a quick escape on Wednesday morning.
Nothing truly exceptional at all happened on the ride, though we had some fun and a few laughs on the way.
I tried out my new ‘Point and Pray’ camera, a Canon A590. I liked the specs of the camera (it uses AA batteries, has Image Stabilization, 4x Optical Zoom, 8 MP resolution) and I got a good deal on it, so I gave it a shot. The jury is still out on whether the A590 camera is better than my old disposable one, a really cheap HP Photosmart POC (Piece of Crap) The best thing about that camera was I didn’t care if I dropped it. In fact one time I did drop it, or more correctly I threw it because I needed to grab the clutch. The picture it took when it hit the ground was one of my favorite snapshots ever, too bad I can’t find it now.
For a change, Abi managed to keep up all day on his new Concours. Honestly, in the hands of a competent rider, that bike would absolutely SMOKE Rain Cloud Follows. Good thing Abi is incompetent.
Around 8 PM we spotted a lone deer grazing on the side of the highway. Five hundred feet further we saw the rest of the herd, all twelve of them on the side of the road. As we rode by, the entire herd stopped munching and stared at us with that dumb deer in the headlights look. I know what they were thinking, ‘Err, hey! Wow! Shiny motorcycle! Ooooh! Should I run away? Or run out there into the highway to say hello? Away? Highway? Away? Decisions, decisions…’
While Bambi contemplated her potentially fatal decision, we zoomed past. Rather than become the latest Deerslayer, we decided it was time to get off the road for the night.
Abi’s future profile pic for Match.com. (or maybe Massmurderer.com) That’s right ladies, this fabulous Dark Meat Snack is 100% available!!!
The next morning, we left East Virginia for the Western variety. As soon as possible, we got off the highway, and followed the very twisty and fun Route 250 as it meandered through the state.
We stopped for gas, and had one of those fun miscommunication moments that are only possible on a motorcycle trip.
I was inside a gas station trying to pay for my fuel, when the nice, older lady behind the counter asked me if I’d like anything else, like cawfee or maybe some bald penis.
Err… what? Did I hear that correctly? I asked her to clarify for me.
“Bald penis. Y’all know,” she said, and handed me a plastic baggie from behind the counter.
Oh God, all the stories about the things that happen in West Virginia were true! I was scared to look at what she’d given me. To my relief I found the bag to be filled with harmless peanuts, which I assume were boiled.
I still passed on them.
Route 250 continued to please all day.
While it has potential, I definitely need to work on my the new ‘point and pray’ camera technique:
It’s good to see that West Virginians carry on the time honored tradition of using street signs for target practice:
And there were a few entertaining signs to brighten my day:
At lunch that day, Abi had a brainstorm.
“You know how there’s really nothing between Pittsburgh and South Dakota? Well, why don’t we do a SaddleSore 1000 on Thursday, and just get out there?”
This coming from the guy that is too lazy to get up off the couch to go pee during a four hour baseball game.
“Ok, but let’s not tell anyone until after we do it, so in case we fail, nobody will know.”
This coming from the guy that is writing this report, three days before we attempt the 1000-in-1 ride. Nothing like a little bit of added pressure to assure a good outcome.
My longest ride to date was about 740 miles in a day, and I was much younger then. Abi’s longest was his ride up from Orlando to Knoxville, clocking in at 660 miles. Should be interesting.
After rolling through the Squirrel Hill Tunnel, we arrived in Downtown Pittsburgh, the sign for which can almost be seen in this picture:
Our two day, five-hundred thirty-nine mile pre-ride came to a close with a hearty Macallan toast to the Best Day Ever.
The pre-ride route – Garmin Version
The pre-ride route – SPOT Version
On Wednesday, the real fun begins. Dark Meat Snack and I will leave Pittsburgh and stop somewhere about 1001 miles from the Badlands. For those that are interested (all two of you) I will have my SPOT tracker on. The tracking web page for the trip can be found here.
Sometime after, I plan to write up a detailed journal of Thursday’s SaddleSore attempt. Whether we make a thousand miles in one day or not, I’m sure there’ll be a good story to tell.
Epic Ride – Take Three
Off again, to begin the conclusion of the Epic Ride. Today we head from Norfolk, Va to Pittsburgh. Then a few day intermission known as work, then, on Wednesday, off to ride across the US to California.
For those in need of sleeping aid, the Epic Ride SPOT tracking web page, can be found here
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