Over some frothy pints of Guinness a few weeks ago, my riding buddy Abi and I sketched out an epic cross country route on a cocktail napkin. The enthusiastic ride plan we concocted will take us from Pittsburgh (which was marked by some spilled Guinness) out to South Dakota (delineated by a knotted cherry stem) then angling southwest through Salt Lake (represented by a pepper shaker, because there was no salt shaker handy) and finally to California (which was actually slightly off the napkin, if I remember correctly.)

According to Google Maps, our planned route should be about 3500 miles, give or take a few. Fiona, aka Sleeping Beauty will be meeting us in Salt Lake City to sleep her way southwest on the back of my bike.

Of course there was the small matter of getting the motorcycles out to Pittsburgh. After a long and circuitous route, our motorcycles took a week off in Norfolk, VA, the home of the world’s largest naval base, and coincidentally, the home of my brother as well.

On Saturday, Abi and I flew into Norfolk, loaded up the motorcycles, and started heading towards da ‘Burgh.

My nephew wanted to come along. I told him when he’s a little older he’s more than welcome, if his Mom will allow it.

The fourth picture in my growing ‘Start of the Epic Ride‘ photo series.

We got on the road around three, and hammered our way across Virginia. Our plan was to end up in the City of Many Bridges around 6 on Sunday, plenty of time to catch our 8:45 PM flight to work. The WWE shows this week are in Wilkes-Barre and Pittsburgh, which is why we parked the motorcycles in Steeler City. This way, if we decide we want to quit on Tuesday, (or get fired) we’ll have a ride home. And if not, we can make a quick escape on Wednesday morning.

Nothing truly exceptional at all happened on the ride, though we had some fun and a few laughs on the way.

I tried out my new ‘Point and Pray’ camera, a Canon A590. I liked the specs of the camera (it uses AA batteries, has Image Stabilization, 4x Optical Zoom, 8 MP resolution) and I got a good deal on it, so I gave it a shot. The jury is still out on whether the A590 camera is better than my old disposable one, a really cheap HP Photosmart POC (Piece of Crap) The best thing about that camera was I didn’t care if I dropped it. In fact one time I did drop it, or more correctly I threw it because I needed to grab the clutch. The picture it took when it hit the ground was one of my favorite snapshots ever, too bad I can’t find it now.

For a change, Abi managed to keep up all day on his new Concours. Honestly, in the hands of a competent rider, that bike would absolutely SMOKE Rain Cloud Follows. Good thing Abi is incompetent.

Around 8 PM we spotted a lone deer grazing on the side of the highway. Five hundred feet further we saw the rest of the herd, all twelve of them on the side of the road. As we rode by, the entire herd stopped munching and stared at us with that dumb deer in the headlights look. I know what they were thinking, ‘Err, hey! Wow! Shiny motorcycle! Ooooh! Should I run away? Or run out there into the highway to say hello? Away? Highway? Away? Decisions, decisions…’

While Bambi contemplated her potentially fatal decision, we zoomed past. Rather than become the latest Deerslayer, we decided it was time to get off the road for the night.

Abi’s future profile pic for Match.com. (or maybe Massmurderer.com) That’s right ladies, this fabulous Dark Meat Snack is 100% available!!!

The next morning, we left East Virginia for the Western variety. As soon as possible, we got off the highway, and followed the very twisty and fun Route 250 as it meandered through the state.

We stopped for gas, and had one of those fun miscommunication moments that are only possible on a motorcycle trip.

I was inside a gas station trying to pay for my fuel, when the nice, older lady behind the counter asked me if I’d like anything else, like cawfee or maybe some bald penis.

Err… what? Did I hear that correctly? I asked her to clarify for me.

“Bald penis. Y’all know,” she said, and handed me a plastic baggie from behind the counter.

Oh God, all the stories about the things that happen in West Virginia were true! I was scared to look at what she’d given me. To my relief I found the bag to be filled with harmless peanuts, which I assume were boiled.

I still passed on them.

Route 250 continued to please all day.

While it has potential, I definitely need to work on my the new ‘point and pray’ camera technique:

It’s good to see that West Virginians carry on the time honored tradition of using street signs for target practice:

And there were a few entertaining signs to brighten my day:

At lunch that day, Abi had a brainstorm.

“You know how there’s really nothing between Pittsburgh and South Dakota? Well, why don’t we do a SaddleSore 1000 on Thursday, and just get out there?”

This coming from the guy that is too lazy to get up off the couch to go pee during a four hour baseball game.

“Ok, but let’s not tell anyone until after we do it, so in case we fail, nobody will know.”

This coming from the guy that is writing this report, three days before we attempt the 1000-in-1 ride. Nothing like a little bit of added pressure to assure a good outcome.

My longest ride to date was about 740 miles in a day, and I was much younger then. Abi’s longest was his ride up from Orlando to Knoxville, clocking in at 660 miles. Should be interesting.

After rolling through the Squirrel Hill Tunnel, we arrived in Downtown Pittsburgh, the sign for which can almost be seen in this picture:

Our two day, five-hundred thirty-nine mile pre-ride came to a close with a hearty Macallan toast to the Best Day Ever.

The pre-ride route – Garmin Version

The pre-ride route – SPOT Version

On Wednesday, the real fun begins. Dark Meat Snack and I will leave Pittsburgh and stop somewhere about 1001 miles from the Badlands. For those that are interested (all two of you) I will have my SPOT tracker on. The tracking web page for the trip can be found here.

Sometime after, I plan to write up a detailed journal of Thursday’s SaddleSore attempt. Whether we make a thousand miles in one day or not, I’m sure there’ll be a good story to tell.

Author: frenchy