Frenchy's Rant

When the WWE started going to Iraq for the Christmas with the Troops shows, the TV Crew had to get inoculation shots for Yellow Fever, Bubingi Plague, Hepatitis A, B, C, D and F, Rabies and a whole host of other exotic sounding ways to die.

While I was pretty sure I was up to date, the WWE Doctor, who I affectionately call Dr. Mengele, said I needed one more shot in the Whooping Cough series to be current. Bravely, I protested, whining that I was almost positive that I already had more than enough shots, thank you very much. He said he would re-check the records, and get back to me.

Great.

Well, good ol’ Dr. Mengle did come back, with fantastic news. Honestly, I have no idea how he found my hiding place. That guy is good! After checking the records, he found that I needed not one but TWO shots. For being such a little pussy earlier, he decided to administer a Tetanus booster as well.

I got three injections from needles easily the diameter of a soda straw. I’m pretty sure one went clear through my arm, and right into my heart. But the good news is, I am now caught up, and resistant to just about everything. The better news is nobody was around to hear me yelping like a little girl as I was shooting up. The best news of all is I should be able to sit down again any day now.

Yesterday I woke up early. Instead of doing the smart thing and rolling right back over and getting more healthy beauty sleep until the alarm hit, I got out of my comfortable bed and actually went to the hotel fitness center. This has to be some kind of awful midlife crisis or something, whatever it is I hope it passes quickly.

I ran like a rat on the treadmill, and then lifted a few various weights and used assorted torture implements, until I was nice and sore.

After subjecting myself to this self-torture, I went back to my room to wash off all the blood -err, I mean sweat. To be honest, I was actually kind of happy that I’d gotten up and done something. While I was congratulating myself, I noticed the message light blinking on the room phone.

I had two messages. The first was just a phone slamming down, the second one, twelve minutes later was a good buzz-kill. An unfamiliar, angry sounding voice said, “Thanks a lot for leaving your alarm on, YOU ASS!”

Dear Northwest Airlines,

Times are tough, right? They must be, since you’ve started charging an extra $15 to sit in an exit row. Seriously, this has to be your smartest policy ever! You (and your many debtors) must be so proud. Paying $380 for a regular seat just isn’t enough?

This new policy will keep exit rows filled with rich, able-bodied people, so that in the event of a sudden unplanned descent followed by a rapid deceleration – say, on a mountainside somewhere – those fat-walleted flyers can get out first. A great strategy to retain paying customers!

What’s next? A clean blanket and pillow surtax? Oxygen masks with coin slots? Passing a hat for gas money before takeoff? You could even charge passengers extra for delays, since they are on the plane longer! Honestly, now that you’ve opened the door to fleecing frequent flyers, the sky really IS the limit!

Congratulations on making Delta Airlines look compassionate. To receive your prestigious Frenchy’s Rant GFY award, please send $15, or better yet, comp my next exit row seat.

Yes, I actually sent this letter to Northwest Airlines today, can’t wait to hear their response!