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Nothing – October 10, 2005
I don’t have anything much to say today. I added a counter yesterday to my little page. Today, I know that nine whole people stopped yesterday to read my musings.
Sadly, I am no closer to achieving FI:nAnC”IaLL FR:E:E DO:M. I guess the merchandise section of Frenchy’s Rant will have to wait. The Powerball Jackpot is $240 million. Two Hundred and Forty Million ways to spell financial freedom. Can’t win if you don’t play.
Hope I remember to buy a ticket.
Thanks for adding to the counter. Tune in tomorrow for my Haiku Greatest Hits.
Technophobia – October 9, 2005
Shouldn’t technology make life easier? Isn’t that the point? Ever think it’s gone too far?
For example, my new laptop features handwriting recognition. I can write directly on the screen, and the computer instantly translates my scribbles into text. Sounds like a good idea. Here is an example of how “well” it works:
H-lot-wrath-two RE woodsmen
Recognize that? That’s how my laptop “recognized” the words “Handwriting Recognition”.
As useless as that “feature” is, my new cell phone is worse. This technologically enhanced marvel can not only take blurry pictures, but it can record video! Wow! Motorola must have added these features to distract people from the fact that calls don’t stay connected for more than five minutes at a time. Any conversation that might be squeezed into those five minutes sounds as though it originated underwater.
Sadly, the video looks about as bad as calls sound.
Even bathrooms haven’t escaped the technological revolution. In almost any public restroom there are now automatic faucets and soap dispensers, toilet flushing sensors and even computerized paper towel machines. But how well do they work? Want warmer water? Too bad. There is no way to control it anymore. Hands still wet? Keep waving at the motion sensor, you might just be rewarded with another paper towel. Not quite finished with your toilet business? Tough shit. Technological toilets know best.
Last night, I was returning to my 14th floor hotel room. Entering the elevator, I noticed a flat panel screen mounted near the ceiling. What the hell for? I honestly can think of no reason that I might want stock quotes available on my two minute elevator ascent, but that’s beside the point. Someone thought it was a good idea. However, there were no stock quotes to be had. Instead, the message displayed was; “Windows has recovered from a serious error” That’s right, the elevator had “crashed” and most likely was in need of a reboot!
(This is a crappy picture of the “crashed” elevator screen. It was taken with my hi-tech phone. Good stuff, Motorola!)
I will admit that while the elevator still worked, it made me a little nervous. All I can say about all this is, “NE Note All the kop”
Zombified – October 7, 2005
Zombies. The world is full of them.
Today, I felt like an extra in “Day of the Dead.” Stopped for gas on the way to the airport. The gas pump credit card reader wasn’t working, so I had to
There I was, standing in front of this guy, money in hand, and all he could do was stare at me in dumb amazement. I could see his thoughts struggling to develop. “Uhh… what is this person doing in here with money in hand? What is this strange device with numbers on it in front of me? Why, it is full of money! How did the money get there? Wait a minute… Where am I?” He honestly took about three minutes to process the fact that I was there to actually PAY for fuel. With a far away and confused look, he finally took my money. I walked away positive that his lobotomy was a success, and I am happy for that.
Then I checked in for my flight. These days you don’t actually deal with a person when you check in, you touch a screen. If you have a bag to check, you bring it to one of the few remaining gate agents to have the bag tagged. I walked over to present my bag, and greeted the agent with a cheerful, “Hello!”
She replied, “Good.”
Good? What the hell?? The only thing that’s “good” is the mystery of why my luggage always gets lost has been solved once and for all. Zombies have taken control!
First Class is a zombie haven. I don’t know if it is the changes in pressurization or if it is the used jet engine oil they use to make coffee, but there is a serious zombie problem up front. It’s possible that Blackberrys and cell phones emit dumb rays, killing brain cells until their owners are completely zombified.
I watched as one important zombie, eager to be first in First Class, pushed his way in front of an elderly woman, rolled his two enormous suitcases over three people, and bashed two others zombies in the head with his backpack as he claimed his seat in Zombie Class. The amazing thing was he managed all that while talking on his cell phone!
Bigger seats equal bigger asses, in more ways than one.
At least airlines cater to the zombies, thoughtfully providing instructions on correct operation of a seatbelt for example. (Attention, brain dead people! To operate your seatbelt, place the metal buckle into the fitting. To release, pull up on the tab… Don’t worry if you couldn’t figure this out without assistance, you can always become a gas station attendant!)
Maybe it is fortunate that passengers aren’t attentive. The “safety features” on an aircraft would be truly frightening if anyone actually thought about them. “In case of a change in cabin pressurization, oxygen masks will fall from the overhead compartment. The bag does not need to inflate…”
Hello? A change in pressurization would most likely mean there is a HOLE in the AIRPLANE, and a inflating bag would be the very least of our worries!!
As I was leaving the plane, the flight attendants were vacantly thanking everyone for enduring another trip on their airline. “Bye, thanks for flying Delta, sir!”
With a smirk I replied, “Good.”
Reality – October 5, 2005
I was out walking through
“This Moment IS Reality”
Woah. I must have stood there for five minutes thinking about that.
Brilliant.
The whole flight home today I started noticing the moments of my reality.
The Russian cab driver’s insane ranting about how religion is poison all the way to the airport – Bizarre Reality.
Laughter, goose bumps and even an occasional tear as I finally watch the movie “Dust to Glory” – Excellent Reality
The odd looks from the lady sitting next to me as I laugh and tear up. – Funny Reality
The flight attendant’s cheery smile and heartfelt “Thank you, sir!” as I handed her my soggy breakfast garbage. – Surreal Reality.
My “exhaust fumes” from last night’s chili dinner killing everyone on the plane. – Almost Reality…
The only cloud in the sky as we descend into the
And yes, of course, Delta once again sending my luggage on another unplanned vacation – Back to My Reality
HE:RBE:RE:CT:US-VE:IW – October 4, 2005
Sp:am Eve.ry 0ne ge:tts it. But does anyone actually get it? Would any rational person ever consider getting a re:FINANN:Ced MOR:TTG:AgE! from some person that doesn’t even spell the word correctly?
I started this blog site about a month ago, and it took exactly one day… ONE DAY!!! to get a spam comment! Here it is:
Anonymous said…
Hey, you have a great blog here! I’m definitely going to bookmark you!
I have a work at home site. Financial freedom work at home.
Come and check it out if you get time 🙂
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